Contributions from the Collective

"Stories" from the Collective (YOU)

Why Did He Do That?

by Jade
(London, England)

I broke up from my first ever relationship over something silly. When we got back together again 2 weeks later I found out that he'd started seeing someone the night we broke up - and I can't stop thinking about it...

QUESTION: My boyfriend and I - help me!...

MORE FROM JADE...

I broke up with my first boyfriend for something stupid but we got back together a few weeks later. In that time he was seeing someone else - straight after, in fact on that same night!

We are back together now but I can't seem to get over how heartless he was. Even if our relationship is good now, I just can't seem to forget; it's all I think about.

I didn't think he was like that - all I wanted was for him to try and get me back, and he did the opposite!

Jade

Overcome Your Insecurities: Here's How!

STEVE'S ANSWER

This sounds like a 'trust in relationships' issue, Jade - that you're not sure you trust him or even that you know him as you thought...

"Never idealize others. They will never live up to your expectations. Don't over-analyse your relationships. Stop playing games. A growing relationship can only be nurtured by genuineness."
-- Leo F. Buscaglia

My experience in relationships is that boys and girls (men and women) respond differently to setbacks of an emotional kind. So I can understand why you would be shocked and hurt by your boyfriend's behaviour that first night. And I can also understand why your boyfriend did what he did too (even though you would never have done this).

But it isn't about right or wrong actions, your questions is about feelings - how you feel. So I think you have some decisions to make, Jade:

* If your boyfriend really matters to you then I think you could talk to him about what he did and how it makes you feel. See how he responds to this, how he responds to your pain. Let him explain himself

* If he doesn't matter that much, and you don't believe you're ever going to forgive him for how he behaved immediately after breaking up, then you need to recognise this and act accordingly

Always treat yourself as well as possible, Jade, in all things relationships (as my colleague Paula Renaye has said on many occasions in previous answers already).

Anyone else got answers for Jade? (Click the comments link below, to answer!)

Comments for Why Did He Do That?

What do you want?
by: Paula Renaye

I love the comments that Steve and Sandy gave you so I won't repeat those except to reinforce the communication part and to ask you what it is you really want.

Is this the kind of relationship you truly want? Is it giving you the feelings, fulfillment and joy that you desire? Think about that and write out how it is--and how it isn't. How much is based on what actually is and how much is projected onto potential?

I got myself into more trouble having conversations with people who weren't present. You can't believe the dialogues that went on in my head that the guy had no idea about. But, I acted as if he had. Then again, he'd made me crazy with his antics so there was plenty of mutual head-spinning going on.

We can't ever know for sure what someone else is feeling or thinking and assuming will get us into big trouble every time. We have to be willing to talk openly and honestly about what we want and what we are willing to do to give it to each other. It can NEVER be a one-way street. Both partners must participate and be on the same relationship page.

I just wrote a long post on my site about a similar topic based on the movie He's Just Not That Into You and my own realizations. Take a look, there might be something that rings a bell for you. Hard Line Self Help.

All best wishes to you!
Paula

Have a discussion about "heartless"
by: Sandy

The answer to most of life's problems is "communication".

You felt your partner was "heartless" because you broke up with him. How does he feel about the "break up". Did he think it was temporary or permanent? Was your intention to see how long it would last?

One thing I've learned is to not casually break up with anyone because you never know how you or the other will react.

IMO once you break up with someone many things can happen.

The lesson here: be careful in terminating relationships. Takes some time and really think it over. Perhaps decide mutually that you will have some time apart and whatever happens during that time for both parties is each persons' responsibllity.

It could be that going out with someone else could have been responsible for him going back with you. You never know.

I think its best to move forward after discussing this. Just my opinion. I'm not an "expert".

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