SelfHelpCollective.com

What Do I Do?

by Gill
(Ireland)

I'm separating from my husband, who had an affair. A few months ago I met this lovely man, we kissed, and I think he likes me even though he knows about my ongoing separation. But when I asked him out, he told me he'd met someone else, and now I'm not sure what to do as I'm going to be seeing him at a work conference soon...

QUESTION: Advice On What To Do Next?

MORE FROM Gill...

Would love some advice please. I am separated from my husband who had an affair...

I kissed a lovely guy 4 months ago and met up 3 weeks after that we had a really lovely time. We have been texting and speaking since.

He knows the situation with my separation - not all the ins and outs as I didn't want to be talking about it a lot.

He really makes me smile and I do think he likes me.

After being with my counsellor last week he suggested to ask him out so I would know once and for all. So I asked him last week if he wanted to meet up for a bite to eat. He told me that was lovely, but to be straight with me he'd met a girl 3 weeks ago and was going on a second date Sunday and all that.

What advice would you give me, as I will see him at a work conference soon and I also need to contact him in relation to work?

I still like him. Maybe I should forget him, and move on?

 

 

STEVE'S ANSWER

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us."
-- Joseph Campbell

A few questions immediately come to my mind...

1. Is your relationship with your husband definitely over?

2. If so, do you have 'closure' with it - have you made your peace with what happened; are you able to move on from it?

If the answer to either of these questions is no, then I politely suggest you may not be ready for the 'rough and tumble' of starting a new relationship.

(Getting to know another human being with the intentions that that relationship be an intimate one pretty much ALWAYS involves some difficulties, some misunderstandings, and even if you're 'fortunate' enough to just fall truly, madly, deeply in love with someone then you're likely to panic at some point that it all feels too good to be true.

Meaning: getting to know someone new requires a certain robustness, and so you're probably asking for trouble to try and meet someone new if you're feeling fearful rather than happy.

Does this make sense?...)

Once you're feeling good about yourself, like we most of us do when we allow ourselves 'space' from all our anxious thinking, then you a) will come across as more relaxed to another person and b) you'll be able to answer questions that you ask above for yourself.

Also, in your particular situation, can you see how a man who has a choice of two women will most likely go for the 'safest' option, the one that doesn't involved a 'complicated/difficult' marriage breakup situation?

And you'd probably do the same given the same circumstances.

So, my 'advice' to you is take time to heal yourself over your marriage ending. If you have, then - in a calm moment - ask yourself how best to navigate this upcoming conference; access the grace and wisdom that is within you, and let it guide you.

Of course, all relationships provide challenges - that's the joy (and the pain) of them - but we're usually well-enough equipped to be able to trust that our inner wisdom will be able to guide us, help provide us with our own answers...

And, just to be clear, there is no such thing as a sure thing, in relationships or in life. So don't look for answers to provide this kind of security, just look to find the answer that's right for this moment...

Anyone else got any suggestions for Gill?

Steve