Trusting My Cheating Partner Again?
My partner does not trust me, despite all my efforts to empty my life of reasons why (she has my phone passwords, I've removed other females from my social contacts, etc.). Guess what? Turns out she's been cheating on me. She confessed a short-term affair to me. And now she wants me back. What to do?...
QUESTION: My partner has admitted cheating but clearly wants me back - what do I do?
MORE FROM Anon...
My partner of 2 years has trust issues as I have explained to her my history of cheating in relationships which would appear to have been how I was dealing with depression. I have such self awareness of my depression these days and I use large amounts of exercise to manage it so much so that I have no desire to seek attention from other women.
I feel so much for this lady that I gave her all of my passwords, allowed her to track my phone, changed jobs to be in the same department as her, changed my sport to spend all of my leisure time with her, removed all women from my social media, refused job offers that would have had me away from her.
Two weeks ago after 18 months of living together and only two months out from a 3 week overseas trip she tells me that she can't go on feeling like she can't trust me and that we are over. Within two hours I was moved out and back in my apartment. Five days later she invites me over to have a chat as I asked her what I needed to do for a woman to be able to trust me. I went over, we had some dinner and then she confessed to me that she had been having an affair and that whilst I was away seeing family for the weekend, the affair had become physical. She admitted that she manipulated me in to making the trip to allow it to happen. Further she expressed that she experienced immediate remorse or guilt.
I've read with her ok a large amount of the text messages between her and the guy. He got pretty upset that it was over but has now got the message from her that it is over.
After we split I turned off the tracker, opened up my social media again and I still see her because of our sport. We have ended up sleeping together every night since she told me but go back to my place (my choice) rather than stay with her. I'm trying to work out now if she wants me or she wants enough of me so that no one else can have me. She will be going on the trip by herself as I refuse to go and she has no choice about attending an event on the trip.
I go through several hours of the day feeling ill over the cheating and the manipulation but when I see her I am still completely in love with her. I haven't been angry or nasty or told the world about what she did. It is completely evident from something she asked me after I told an anecdote about an event during the day that she completely has a 'do not trust' default setting.
I deliberately gave away all of my power to this lady. I wanted her to have no reason not to trust me so that the relationship could be something that lasted a very long time. I know that she cheated in both of her last two relationships as a means of destroying them. Neither ex partner is aware of the cheating. Yet even with this knowledge I have never looked at her phone or computer or email or even questioned who she was texting. I actually had complete faith in her but I also entered this relationship with a view that I will never attempt to hold on to a bad relationship again as that would be a trigger for cheating.
So should I ease myself out of this. Should I try and patch it up and just ignore the physical reaction I keep having or should I just cut and run?
STEVE'S ANSWER"The irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating -- in work, in play, in love."
-- Ken Keyes, Jr.
These words are my immediate response to reading your question - thank you for asking it.
- Stop giving all of your power away
- You can never know if she (or someone else) is going to cheat - you can NEVER know if your relationship is going to work out
- She clearly has 'trust' issues, but none of us are perfect either
So, find a way to see if you can work this out together
, is my 'advice', and do so with as much honesty and openness as you can both muster.
Find a way to focus on what's good about your relationship, and not what's bad.
I have a good feeling about this - how you've expressed yourself in your question, how she has gone about confessing herself to you.
It still might not work out, though.
But I say, give it a go, bearing in mind what I have written up above.
~~Reminder: Stop giving all of your power away. It's not necessary to do so. It is not a way to 'be' in a relationship; it is not the best way to become trustworthy (you're either trusting or you're not, irrespective of whether you give your power away - can you see that?); and the best relationships are those were both get to fully express themselves - powers, and all.
Thanks again, and good luck moving forward :-)
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Steve (Aug 31st, 2018)