"Stories" from the Collective (YOU)

Trust, Insecurity and Ex's

by Amy

I fell deeply in love with a man - and he with me - before I realised he was still seeing another woman. We ended, and then that relationship ended, and we started up again, but - deep down - I still feel somewhat angry and insecure, and I don't want to feel this way...

QUESTION: His Ex, My Trust and Insecurity - What Do I Do?...


I started seeing someone 9 months ago, and fell for him fast. He also gave me the same impression. He was going to be travelling and we would be separated after 2 months was up, but I said, I would wait for him, follow him, whatever I needed to do, if he wanted that too.

At this point he told me he was not over his ex, who was his best friend, and could not let me hold onto us.

However we kept in touch and after a month, even though we were long distance he asked me to be with him, make it work and come together again. 2 months later we were back together after a lot of time on skype etc. and I asked him what changed his mind about me.

He told me that the reason he didn't want to commit to me initially was he had in fact been in a relationship when we first started seeing each other, a 4 year relationship. Even though he made me feel more loved than I ever have in that time. So he both lied and cheated effectively in the first months. But by this time we had already fallen so in love, and committed to each other seriously as we both know what we want and are of the right age to find the right person. So of course I said, ok, and moved on. Or I thought I had...

The thing is, I can't get it out of my head. How do you go from being someone's best friend, and loving them for 4 years, to deciding someone else is the right person?

He spoke to her in the 4th month of our official relationship and told me about it - he did not seem over it, he seemed melancholy. But he has done everything to assure me that he loves me, and invested so much into us.

I've met his family etc. I don't know everything about his transition from her to me, and I don't know if I want/need to, but I can't stop thinking about it: wondering, could he do the same to me? Did he choose me for other reasons than love? Money/background (mine is much more privileged than his)? What was altered in his mind/heart?

I feel very insecure about it, and even a bit angry by the fact that I was made a fool in the beginning. But I have chosen him, so I want to move past this. I have spoken to him about it and he is aware of my insecurities but I cannot seem to resolve them. should I speak to him again? I don't know whether this is something I need to work through on my own, or keep talking to him about whilst I feel it.

Please help. I love him, and I desperately want these doubts and insecurities banished so that I can trust him completely and be truly happy with him.




Comments for Trust, Insecurity and Ex's

Trust YOURSELF!...
by: Steve

Yes, he could do the same to you, of course, but he might not do.

So, should you have a relationship with this man? Will it work? I do not have these answers, and ONLY you can truly know if you should commit to this relationship despite its unhealthy beginnings...

"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle."
-- Christian D. Larson

So, right now, you feel foolish for falling for a man who was still seeing another woman.

You feel foolish because you love him, but also fear that he could transition from one woman to another again leaving you behind this time.

You feel foolish, vulnerable and insecure... and you blame him for these feelings!

I actually think the real question here is this: can you be certain that this relationship with this man will work? Answer: NO, no you can't! But that answer is as true of any relationship in the world - there is no such thing as a certainty when it comes to relationships of any kind!

Yes, it's important to let your instincts guide you such that you don't begin a relationship with someone 'inappropriate'. Maybe this man hasn't grown enough through this experience such that he might well repeat this 'weak' behaviour again. Or maybe he needed to be in the 'right' relationship to give him the courage/strength to end this 4-year relationship. Or maybe I have no idea what's going on with this man, maybe he doesn't either.

The thing is, it's not important. What is important is how you feel for each other, how well you communicate with each other, how good you feel together right now. But most importantly of all, is what your instincts are telling you, not your fears but your instincts.

So continue to share your concerns with this man, and see how he responds. And see how your insecurities respond. For whatever I (or others) say, these are your insecurities you're feeling and you're either able to handle them, let love dissolve them away eventually, or you're not.

Remember, there are no guarantees in relationships. And our fears about relationships usually tell us much about ourselves than our relationships...


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