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Stay In My Marriage?...

by Sherell
(Decatur, GA, USA)

I think my husband is having an affair with his business partner. (All because of him getting convicted of a traffic violation when she was the passenger.) When I ask her if she's had sexual relations with my husband she tells me to ask him, but he just denies it. I'm seriously thinking of ending my marriage - please help...

QUESTION: Should I Leave My Marriage Of 6 Years?...

MORE FROM Sherell...

My husband had a jury trial last week. I wanted to go each day to support him, but he told me that I would be a distraction, and he would be fine all alone.

Thursday, the day that the verdict would be read, he said that if I did not hear from him that means he's locked up and his attorney would contact me. Later in the day his sister told me what was going on. She got her information from the female that had been in court with my husband, who he said was just a friend and business partner.

His crime was a traffic violation, and he was charged in January on the 15th, for obstructing of the law so he was arrested, and I went to bail him out. The same friend/ business partner was the passenger.

He has told me that she was attracted to him and that he hated that, but I'm thinking '8 months later she's in court with you - wow!'.

I called her and asked if there was a sexual relationship between her and my husband, and she's says you have to talk to him about it! I did and he denies everything!

We have 2 daughters and our family was quite happy, but now I don't know whether to pretend this is not happening and stay as a family or just leave!

Help me

STEVE'S ANSWER

"The truth that survives is simply the lie that is pleasantest to believe."
-- H. L. Mencken

I really don't like giving direct advice, especially when the it involves such a big decision as ending a marriage, as the only person that can ever truly know what to do is the person directly involved. (It's unlikely, for example, that I share your values, Sherell, when it comes to the sanctity of marriage, when it comes to the meaning of infidelity, etc.)

And, usually, people ask for help because they want a decision they've already arrived at to be validated by others, even others they consider wise (we are ALL wiser than we realise, truth be known).

So this is how I'm going to respond. I'm going to give you two answers, and I'm going to let you see which answer feels best for you:

Answer 1: Your husband is telling the truth, there is nothing going on, and you just need to trust him.

Answer 2: Your husband is lying to you (because he can), and you need to seriously think whether you want to share your life with a man that can actively deceive you, even when you directly challenge him about his behaviour

Now my question to Sherell is: which answer resonates most with you, Sherell - what does your gut tell you?...

--

I wish you strength and wisdom in making the right choice for you - neither choice is going to be an easy one - and making that choice happen.

Steve

Comments for Stay In My Marriage?...

Is it faithfulness or not?
by: Sandra

I know it hurts you when she's with your husband in court, yet could it be that she's there cause she was a passenger in the car at that time and could serve as a witness?

I'm sure it's also painful that he doesn't want you there, but many men are ashamed for some reason even though to me personally it's these things that draw a couple even closer when there is support from the other spouse without judgement.

As for the attraction part, many men are attracted to other women, even married men, that doesn't mean they want the other woman, just that they find her attractive, just as many women are attracted to other men. I always look at it as someone liking the way a cake looks, but not wanting a slice of the cake which looks good to them. If he "hates" that she is attracted to him which may or may not be a lie, he may hate it for the simple reason he doesn't want to cause a rift with you or with his business partner as both you and his job are important to him.

If I read correctly, you ask her and she told you to talk to him about it, that could mean she doesn't want to tell you, but most women would love nothing better than to tell you, or it may mean that she is attracted to him and he isn't attracted to her, but she would like to know if he is and therefore you asking him as opposed to her making that move may make better sense to her, or at least she could find out what she may want to know.

This may be a wait and see scenario as if anything is going on it will reveal itself to you more as you go along. I don't want you to be hurt, but this is a tough one, cause all you can go on is what your husband is telling you at this point.

But if there's nothing going on, then don't let the thought of anything going on ruin your marraige.

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