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Single or Relationship?
(Australia)
I'm a bit confused, tired of being in relationships that don't work out, and fearful of getting hurt again. But, despite all this, I'm also tired of being single. My dilemma then: should I be single or be in a relationship?...
QUESTION: Being Single Versus Being In A Relationship...
MORE...
I don't really mind my own company and I think that humans are adaptable creatures and can become accustomed to most situations. After breaking up with my boyfriend of several years who lived at my place on and off a fair bit, I now feel lonely and strange about living alone - not all the time but mainly at night...
Previously I had been single for several years before that. But I had had my daughter at home back then. Now It's just me alone in the house (and two cats). I do try to get out as much as I can, but I have a health condition that means sometimes I am restricted. I know there isn't anything you can really do for me, it's up to me, but I just feel strange and unnatural to be alone and single now. I had close friends but one passed away and another moved overseas. I know a lot of people, however I only had a few people I was really close to. I am working on building new friendships through joining community groups.
I lack confidence in a few areas and wonder if I will ever be able to share my life with someone again, as it's been very painful to lose this last relationship. We both worked hard to try to save it, but the problems seemed insurmountable in the end, and I fear, I guess, that with my condition it's too hard to share my life with another person.
Will I just have to accept being content to be single?
I know that may sound pathetic, but after what I have been through, it's how I honestly feel. What are your thoughts on this?
On the surface I can appear quite confident and capable, but deep down I am terrified of opening myself to a potential partner and trusting, as I feel so emotionally bruised by past relationships. I feel angry, hurt and disillusioned and lack faith that people can really give and be truly loyal, supportive and loving.
AS you can see, right now, as I write this I do feel quite sad about it. How do we continue to have faith and trust that another person is honest and able to be unselfish and reciprocate a depth of friendship and love? I wonder, is it just me - because of the way I am - that I can't give enough and don't deserve to have a healthy relationship? Or give too much? It all worries and confuses me. Also my daughter seems to be repeating the same relationship pattern of not being with someone who truly respects her. However, a lot of us have not so good relationships before we find one that fits and feels right, so I suppose there are different ways of looking at it.
Some of my problems and my daughters may stem from the fact that her father had a gambling addiction and his presence in our life, briefly on and off caused a lot of pain and mistrust {...}
With this last relationship I thought I had finally found a good honest man , and I think he was honest, but ultimately when things got tough, as in my health condition flared up and went on for some time, he couldn't cope. Previously I stood by him through a lot of tough times. He also had some health issues as well as unemployment. So naturally it hurt when he couldn't stand by me in my hour of need. But to be honest, I do understand that being around someone who is not very well can be really hard! But it hurt nevertheless to be left at a time when I felt very vulnerable.
{...}
Overcome Your Insecurities: Here's How!
...So, the single versus companionship dilemma: To be or not to be in a relationship.
I guess if you start with friendship then if more happens, it does ,and it's best not to project too far into the future. I suppose the reason I am thinking all of this, is my awareness of how my choices, wishes, ideas and desires can conjure up real life scenarios in my life. (And the modern day dating scene with datelines etc can make it very accessible to jump back into the fire.) Do I really want that, in fact, do I want to leave the last relationship behind, is still a question plaguing my mind, as the opportunities to go back have been there, but almost illusionary in nature, a mirage of hope that is also confusing me?... What DO I really want?... All questions I need to explore I guess. And questions I am feeling overwhelmed by.
When it comes to the desire for a relationship, my mind plays tricks on me and says things like, well no matter how lovely you may imagine a possible relationship to be, the reality is, it's another person, with needs, wants and desires. And that the nature of relationships is to share, give and take.. Which is what I thought I was doing in my last relationship, and he is still the one I prefer to share with (so issues of how to let go are probably here also!). But he complained that his needs weren't being met, consequently this has now disrupted my feelings about who I am, what I give and take and what are my abilities to give and take and my capacity to have a healthy relationship?
Yes this has all planted some serious doubts in my mind. Certainly I wonder am I capable of this "partnership" thing at all, ever?
Obviously I have lost my confidence.
{...}
The fear of taking any risks now...and I use the term risk in relation to the fact that I found in life, no matter how well you think you may know someone they can still seem to behave unpredictably. I have trouble trusting my own judgment of who a person is and how much they can be trusted.... Deary me, it's a tough one - losing trust, generally... I seem to have a contradiction happening within me... I just wanted to share with you this contradiction of desires, needs, choices, motivations and questions. I just wanted to see what you may have to say to me about all of this. Sorry if it sounds confusing, I hope you can make some sense of it, and possibly share some thoughts on these subjects with me. Thanks.
STEVE COMMENT:
I edited this question to make it shorter and a little bit easier to read. Hope the contributor doesn't mind. Look forward to seeing what answers come from you all in this relationship advice forum...
Steve
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