SelfHelpCollective.com

Should I Be Worried?...

by Robert
(Richmond, USA)

My question is about trust in relationships - I'm a bit shocked that my partner doesn't trust herself to stay the night with an ex- of hers (now a friend). I feel she ought to be able to do that, and it's given me doubts about our relationship...

QUESTION: Is She Committed To Me?

MORE FROM Robert...

How do I know if I am first alternate or runner up in a relationship? Should I continue this relationship?

Up until yesterday, I thought my partner was 'the one'.

I know we all have a "first love" but I am concerned about something my girlfriend said. I am 52 (divorced) and she is 50 (widowed).

She has a birthday party to attend out of town. She wanted me to go but I had prior commitments that weekend. I suggested she go. She has a high school friend there that she is close to. I suggested she go and visit with him some.

• She said that would be a bad idea because she doesn't trust herself with him.


• She said she had an affair with him a couple of years ago.


• She said she didn't want to jeopardize what we had.

I don't understand. My ex has begged me to sleep with her several times and I will not do it because I am dedicated to this relationship. I appreciate her honesty but I feel like second choice.

This man is available. She says she loves me and knows it would never work with him but yet she feels there is a danger of her sleeping with him if they meet...

 

 

STEVE'S ANSWER

"The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them."
-- Ernest Hemingway

Let me just say, for the record, that there are no guarantees in human relationships, there just aren't.

You can make wise choices with whom you decide to pair up with, absolutely, but that does not mean your relationship will develop as you think it ought to - no matter how committed (or otherwise) you both are at any given time.

Life happens. Relationships change. Nothing's guaranteed.

(And this is a good thing, by the way, because it means you don't take your relationship for granted - we all could die at any time, after all...)


More specifically to your situation, then... Some 'drugs' are easier to let go of than others.

Your dedication to your relationship is independent, to my mind, of how easily it is for you to resist your ex-.

Your partner knows herself, and she finds this man hard to resist. Not in terms of having a proper relationship with him - she has chosen you for that purpose - but in terms of not being able to resist him 'in the moment'.

Avoidance is quite often the only 'cure' for some 'addictions'.


So I think your partner's honesty is admirable, as is her self-awareness.

Now perhaps you could be as open and honest about the concerns you have, but spare any judgement as you do so - no-one likes to be judged, especially when they're revealing a part of themselves they'd rather not be there.

This is an opportunity for you to grow as a couple, in my mind, as well as on an individual basis...


Steve