SelfHelpCollective.com

Sex, My Wife, and Me...

by 'D'

Sex with my wife (of 22 years) has been steady, rather than fantastic, but now - after my vasectomy (at her request) - sex has more or less stopped. 12 months later, we've had sex twice, and neither time was great. I am far from happy about this, can you help here?...

QUESTION: How Do I Deal With These Family Problems?

MORE FROM 'D'...

I am a 46 year old Male married for 22 years to my wife who is 43. We love each other and have a great life. No financial concerns, two happy children.

We have never had an excessive sex life but over recent years sex has become infrequent and is always initiated by me. I had, at my wife request, a vasectomy 12 months ago in order that my wife could go off contraception. Since then we have had sex twice.

Whilst my wife has some physical issues with back and hip pain (we spent a significant amount of money fixing the hip pain and the back pain is under control) nothing is physically wrong with either of us.

Just about every night for 3 weeks of the month my wife will come up with some 'issue' that would indicate that she is not 'in the mood' without telling me direct, most obviously when I may have been a little 'frisky' during the day. The other day we had a great day and I thought that she was keen however, despite being well rested (went to bed early the night before and had a rest during the day) she 'fell asleep' on the couch at 8.30. We went to bed and she immediately said goodnight and rolled over. As I was not tired I got up and then slept on the couch all night. She did not say anything about this the next day.

In addition, when we have had sex over the past couple of years, it has often felt that I have forced myself on to her.

Whilst I know that each circumstance is different how much sex is healthy in a long term relationship? How important is sex to a woman and if she is not being satisfied by me then is it likely that she has found someone else to meet these needs?

I know I should probably just ask her but I am concerned about the answer.

 

 

STEVE'S ANSWER

"Spiritual practice is the capacity to offer your love even when you feel hurt, closed down, tense, angry, misunderstood, or hated."
-- David Deida

First thing I want to say, 'D', is that I feel for you I really do. I, too, have experienced (a lesser version of) the sexual frustration of the kind you're talking about.

Usually, though, I wouldn't even attempt to answer this kind of question because I am not really qualified to do so: I am not a sexual therapist of any kind.

But I wanted to, in this case, because I really could feel the hurt from within you, and I wanted to at lease acknowledge your brave decision to share here, and to try and give you a few pointers that might help.

The Answer, Then...

So, clearly, answering questions like this is difficult, because quite often even the people involved (in this case, your wife) are unaware of the real issues going on here. That something is 'up' is clear, but how to find a possible solution that works for all much less so.

On a really basic level - and it's so basic, it's untrue, but it really speaks to the core problem, alas - a person doesn't want to have sex because they don't enjoy it!

It's real easy to get comfortable in what we do with sex - especially, as a man! - to do it like we've always done it, and for us to think that because no one complains that everything is all right.

Fact is, no one complains because complaining is difficult, especially with regards to sex, and most people want an easy life. "It'll be over soon!" goes the thinking, so they keep quiet.

Fact is, lots of people have sex and don't really enjoy it (men and women, both), until that time comes when they just stop wanting to do something they don't enjoy - snap! - and then 'not participating in sex' becomes the habit of choice, rather than participating.

And 'not having sex again' is no more the answer here than 'having sex when you don't want to' is.

The answer comes from self-awareness, it comes from communication, and it comes from (my best guess at the right words to use, here) 'being vulnerable, open-hearted, and in the moment each and every time you make love with someone'.

And let's face it, most of us just do not do sex like this, all vulnerable and exposed, because - most of the time - we get away with not having to.

(The fact that you noticed how you seemed to have to force yourself onto her is great - I'm glad you noticed! - but it also explains why your wife is happy not having sex, right now. Great sex does not have this dynamic at all!)

So, I think this is more a problem of sex between the two of you rather than that she's found another lover.

Still, if it's a question you fear asking - "Are you seeing someone else?" - then it's a question you need to ask!

Nobody grows by staying safe!

Some Helpful Resources...

So, that's a rather hurried look at some of the issues at play, and now I'm going to point you in the direction of a few resources I've visited, that really explore what I've been trying to say above:

• Diana Richardson's - The Heart of Tantric Sex
  Treats sex as a form of meditation - truly beautiful. And it may not help you directly - but coaching from Diana Richardson could be the answer - it will help you understand the complexities of sexuality that you may not have been aware of before.


• David Deida's Way of the Superior Man
  This is an incredible book about masculinity (and sexuality) that speaks to both men and women about what it really takes to be a man! (David probably offers coaching too.)


• Scot McKay's Deserve Wh at You Want
  Scot is a dating coach whose mantra can be summed up (more or less) thus: "Be the man, and let the woman be the woman!". Heterosexual sex is very much about male/female polarities, and if they're out of balance in your relationship, then it's not going to look pretty in the bedroom (my words).

Something is clearly 'up', as I say above, and this is an opportunity for you to understand more about what it means to be a man, what it means to be a woman, and how fantastically life-affirming and 'growthful' sex can be.

And whilst I'm sure you just want your old sex-life back, 'D', those days are gone, I'm afraid. In its place, though, could be something so much more wonderful, if you are willing to step into the unknown...


All I can say, with all my heart, is that I wish you strength and courage for the journey ahead. You have taken the first step...

Steve