"Stories" from the Collective (YOU)

Sex is Drifting Away

by Bummed
(Omaha, USA)

Our sex-life is fading, badly. It started out pretty good, but 8 years of our marriage later, my wife doesn't even want me to talk about sex - she just wants it to happen if it happens, which doesn't feel right to me. What do I do?...

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I am a 31-year-old man who has been married to my wife for eight years, but we've been together ten years in all. We've had a fairly active sex life until about the last two years or so.

This is pretty simply to state, but the sex is going away.

We get together maybe once every two weeks, and half the time it's in the shower before work. Not bad, but not really what fills the soul, you know? I'm always the one who has to go out of my way to bring-up some logistics for physical time.

She's more of a bystander - which is a nice way of saying 'tease'. We may make plans for later, but they are nearly always trumped.

It's a major bummer. We have three kids, ages 5, 5, and 2. They are pretty good about their bedtimes, but my wife is usually quite tired and goes to bed at 8 pm almost every night without even a goodnight kiss or an "I Love You". Just a pure zonk-out.

It might be childish or juvenile, but I can't help but feel abandoned most of the time. I mention my desire for a little hanky panky to her, but the conversation usually descends into chaos with her trying to warn me off or try to change my behavior to accept her tiredness. Note: I work much longer hours than she does. It's a touchy subject to say the least.

There is nothing physically wrong with her, and I'm as attracted to her as I ever have been - maybe even more so. And I also do not feel that my moods or emotions have changed at all over the years, nor do I follower her around like a horny puppy more than usual.

Last night she told me that I should not attempt to sextext her anymore, to not talk about sex anymore, not really expect it in advance for the time being, not go out of my way to try to set a romantic mood anymore, or basically even not to anticipate sex at all.

She said if it happens, let it happen, but don't try for it or expect it.

This is a major red flag.

It goes against nearly every natural emotion or feeling that I have for her.

I don't know if I can go on in a marriage where I am told 'this is the way it is so deal with it' when it comes to sex. I find no real reason for this rejection.

What can we do to get back into some state of connection?...


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