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Reunion with Ex-Girlfriend?

by B

Can some women help me with this relationship question I have about briefly 'hooking up' with my ex-, even though she's really into me and I don't want anything serious!...

QUESTION: My Ex - Yes or No?...

MORE FROM B...

I had a girlfriend (let's call her "A") for a year 16 years ago, and that relationship ended at my discretion, mainly because I perceived a big intellectual gap between us, which bothered me a lot, even though we had a good emotional contact. Since then I've had 2 further relationships, including a failed marriage. I am now divorced.

I've bumped into A from time to time and she is always happy to meet me. In fact she told me that she thinks about me all the time. I know it was frustrating for her when I ended the relationship. I know also that she would like to pick up where we left off. I would like the emotional contact with her but not to be a couple and I don't think that would satisfy her needs in respect of a relationship.

One part of me says to keep my distance.

Another part of me says that occasional intimate contact, including physical intimacy, would be nice.

But I don't want to hurt her. I have a special birthday coming up and I'm between 2 minds about getting together with her for that occasion on the understanding that we are not to be "an item" but that I am open to being friends with benefits.

I would like to hear a female viewpoint on this.

Overcome Your Insecurities: Here's How!

STEVE'S ANSWER

Here's your female viewpoint, Mr B!...

"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't."
-- Erica Jong

Hmm, I wonder whether you want the opinion of a woman because if a woman says it's okay then it's okay, rather than if a man says it's okay...

Well, I'm a man, and I have an opinion, and I say it's not okay to mess with someone's feelings, whether that someone is a man or is a woman!

So I believe that the ONLY way I think you can proceed with Ms A, Mr B, is if you're as honest with her as you've been above (explaining your two minds). If you tell this woman, "Look, I'm not that into you (and I think you might be into me) but if you want to help me 'celebrate' my significant birthday, more or less no strings attached, then I'd love that too! :-) "

Tell this woman that, and let her make up her own mind. Anything else is, to say the least, playing with 'bad karma'...

--

Oops, I seem to have given more advice here! Please, any women readers out there (Paula R?), can you provide some feminine insights into B's predicament (help me out here, even if you completely disagree with me - thanks!)...

Steve

Comments for Reunion with Ex-Girlfriend?

Yeah, you already know
by: Paula Renaye

B,

Steve is spot on with everything. You already know you're being a selfish schmuck, so admit it.

I will tell you this about women, even if they say it's okay--no strings--sometimes it really isn't. Sometimes there is still hope that, "Oh, if I sleep with him again he'll realize how much he missed me and really loves me and then we'll get back together and get married." Or something like that.

That's not always the case, of course, there are plenty of women who don't want anymore commitment than you do, so find one of those, because it doesn't sound like A is of that variety. You know you just want to use her and you're not being fair to her, so own it.

Besides, do you really want to be one of THOSE kind of guys? Really?

I don't think so. I think you're still hurting from your own breakup and are looking for something to make you feel better--and I'm not talking about sex, but connection. You're wanting to experience the good feelings that you had with A to make things better for you now. It really doesn't have anything to do with her--it's about you--and having sex isn't going to fix anything.

Take some time and dig into what's really driving your desires. I'm going to list my Big Four questions again here because they really do work. Whatever it is you want, run them through this filter and you'll get some insight into what is really going on with you on the situation.

What do you want?
Why do you want it?
How will you feel if you get it?
How will you feel if you don't?

If you'll answer those questions honestly, you'll see what you're really after--or wanting to avoid--and can give yourself what you need in a healthier way.

Good luck!
Paula Renaye
Hard Line Self Help

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