SelfHelpCollective.com

Relationships... Control... Suicide...

by Chet
(Australia)

How to deal with controlling relationships... in my case my ex- is threatening to kill herself if I move on with my life. Help!...

QUESTION: Is There No Way Out?...

MORE FROM Chet...

Went out with my ex for 1.5 years (a very intense relationship) and I ended it because in the end I just didn't feel like 'me' anymore; I felt controlled.

Now, 1.5 years on, she's said she can never move on, never find someone else and will kill herself if I find anyone else because she won't be able to cope.

She says that the only thing that holds her together is having me there to talk to (she lives in another town up north).

She says she can't talk to anyone else because they don't understand. And she refuses to see a psych because they 'don't help'.

I really do care about her, and want to be there for her, but I also want to have my own life too, maybe see other people.

I don't see a way out without destroying her.

I've tried talking to her and she starts crying and saying she can't help it. I don't know what to do :(

Chet

 

 

STEVE'S ANSWER

"The willingness to accept responsibility for one's own life is the source from which self-respect springs."
-- Joan Didion

Chet, I'm going to speak from the heart here. And I may sound cliched at times, and apologies for that as the situation you describe is a serious one that I, myself, have never faced. But, anyway, these are the thoughts that first came to my mind...

* You are not responsible for this woman taking her life

* It seems to me that she is still controlling you, from outside of your relationship - for some reason, she knows no other way to get what she wants (like asking for it) other than via 'control'

* How important is it to you, Chet, that this woman stops feeling this pain?...

The fact is, when you break up with someone quite often it can literally break their heart, tear their world asunder, and have a devastating impact on them. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't break up with them.

You must always love yourself first, respect yourself first, and do what's best for you first.

It's clear that you still love and care for this woman, and that will not change when you put yourself first and actively choose to move on in your life - it will not.

So, move on if that's what you want for yourself, and still support this woman as the loving friend that you are (if she is able to receive it).

I wish you all the best, and again apologies if this answer seems a little trite...

Steve