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Relationship Boundaries?
by CG
(Madison, USA)
My girlfriend wants to go on a road trip (through work) with a man who openly has a crush on her. I'd like her not to go, but she thinks I'm being controlling. What to do, here?...
QUESTION: Am I Being Controlling?...
MORE FROM CG...
Would I be considered controlling if I didn't want my girlfriend to take a 5 day road trip with one of her male friends who has a major crush on her?
- She has hardly hung out with this guy in the past 7 months and was really trashing him to me about how bitter he was etc. Now she has a work conference in Arkansas and wanted me to go with her the whole trip in her head was planned around me but I couldn't make it because I couldn't get off work. So without talking to me she invited him along and the only reason I found out was I asked if she was still going.
- She knows I'm jealous of him although I do not prevent them from hanging out. I just feel a 5 day road trip crosses a comfort boundary. She refused to talk to me about it and called me irrational and controlling. Which in turn out of anger forced me to give an ultimatum.
- A follow up question would be is there a solution to this? Is there a compromise?
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STEVE'S ANSWER
"He who does not trust enough, Will not be trusted."
-- Lao Tzu
It sounds, maybe, like you've asked your question at our relationship advice forum a little too late.
The thing is, I do see your dilemma here - your girlfriend is going to be hanging out with a man who is interested in her.
I can also see how your girlfriend does not like the fact that you seemingly do not trust her.
So I do not think you are being overly controlling, but you are trying to control nevertheless.
I also think your girlfriend is not being very sympathetic to your concerns. (But then, maybe she doesn't feel like it now she senses your distrust of her.)
So I believe the strong thing to do here, is to voice your concerns and feelings, but to let her go with this man anyway - to actively demonstrate your trust of her.
Of course, if you don't trust her then that's a whole different ball game of a problem isn't it!...
Steve