"Stories" from the Collective (YOU)

My Problems With His Children

by K

I'm in a relationship with an amazing man; I could even go to say he is perfect for me - wow! But, I really don't like his ex-wife, and his children remind me of her, and it's affecting me badly when I think badly of them (and of her). What can I do to be more understanding, and less frustrated?...

QUESTION: "Blending" Families - I'm Struggling, Please Help!


My question is this: how does one comfortably accept a significant other's children, and baggage from a previous relationship?

I believe I have found my soul mate, the man that I could not be more excited to spend the rest of my life with. He makes me feel like no other, unconditionally loves me, and supports me. He knows my deepest darkest secrets, and yet still never leaves my side. I've never smiled so much, glowed like I do, or laughed more in my entire life.

I have concluded: this is the man for me.

With that being said, the one aspect of our relationship that brings hardship, is his children and ex-wife.

I am finding it very hard to accept the kids for who they are, and love them like step kids because I feel they are a constant reminder of their mother. She is a women that is not easy to tolerate, nor easy to accept.

With all the anger, and frustration she has caused, I begin to feel resentment towards the kids. (Which I know is wrong, and I am upset with myself that I feel this way.)

But I am unsure as to how to deal with the situations, and accept the kids for who they are. As this is my first experience having a boyfriend with children, and more difficult because I do not have kids myself, so I feel like I don't understand.

Anyways, this is a rather condensed version. Please help, I feel like I am at a brick wall of frustration, and don't know how to overcome it without it growing taller, and taller with resentment....


Overcome Your Insecurities: Here's How!



"The brick walls that are in our way are there for a reason. They're not there to keep us out. They're there to give us a way to show how much we want it..."
-- Randy Pausch

I am going to let others have their turn in answering your question, 'K'. I just want to make 2 comments, though, on your predicament:

1) What a fantastic relationship you seem to have found yourself in. I cannot think that there are many out there (male of female) who wouldn't envy such a relationship with another as you have described here.

2) Challenges lie everywhere in life, especially when we seem to want everything to be 'perfect'. If not this thing, then another, goes the thinking process, and we are never, ever satisfied.

An alternative approach is to focus our energies on what there is to be grateful for in each and every situation. I guarantee that you will find it, IF you look!

So, 'K' - and this may seem impossible for you, right now, but believe me it isn't - a practical thing for you to do is understand that a) the Mom isn't all bad; try to find something you like about her, and b) understand that this woman is in pain for her to be behaving in a way that you feel is 'difficult'; reacting to her pain with your own is only going to make things worse...

This is a beautiful life-challenge for you, and one you are going to find really difficult to avoid because it came so lovingly 'entwined' around this amazing man you've met!

'Growing pains' never cease, it seems.

So, anyone got some more practical suggestions as to how 'K' can grow, and learn to accept the other woman, and - more importantly - learn to love and accept her partner's children?



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