Contributions from the Collective

"Stories" from the Collective (YOU)

My Boyfriend Confusion

by April

QUESTION: Why does my boyfriend not trust me?...

MORE FROM APRIL...

My long-distance relationship seems to have the symptoms of an unhealthy relationship. I've yet to decide whether to leave or to stay because I think that I need to wait until I see him in person, and not simply judge him through everyday online chats.

We've been in a distance relationship for about 10 months now and he keeps on making accusations on me cheating him. These accusations come out of nowhere, and they end up making small problems big arguments.

And once we eventually work out our difficulties, he tells me that it's me that is the mood spoiler, but it all starts because of his own mistake.

I don't know what should I do.

He has started to watch my every movement, and blackmailed me into handing over my email password to him or he will dump me. Should I leave or should I stay? Any advice please?

April

Overcome Your Insecurities: Here's How!

Comments for My Boyfriend Confusion

Is this what you want?
by: Paula Renaye

April,

I have two questions for you:

1. Would a person with high self-esteem and self-respect do what I'm doing? Think what I'm thinking? Tolerate what I"m tolerating? Why or why not?

2. Is what you're doing getting you closer to what you really want? Why or why not?

Write these questions down, really think about them and write your answers. There's information in your thoughts that you need to look at.

If what you want is a close relationship based on trust with someone you can enjoy life with and be happy, you have to ask if continuing this relationship with this particular guy is going to do that.

All that said, if he doesn't trust you and is fearful, there is a reason. Either you are giving him a reason to be or it is his deal. And if it's his deal, he's either controlling, codependent, a cheater himself or all three. And that is a recipe for big time disaster--ask me how I know.

And seriously, 10 months without personal contact is a pen pal. Granted, you can learn a lot about yourself and relationships from it, but transferring that to the real world may or may not work. And in this case, it sounds to me like (based on my own lens) that you are setting yourself up for a whole lot more pain.

I know you don't want to hear any of this, I just hope you will. GOOD RELATIONSHIPS DON'T FEEL BAD.

Also hate to keep posting my website here, but I just wrote two relationship articles that might be of help to you, including Relationship Epiphanies--The Lie and Deny Infidelity Dance. Take a look: Hard Line Self Help.

Big cyber-hug to you!
Paula

Trust -Bring it out into the open
by: Sandi

It is time for you and your boyfriend to have a discussion. It is also time for you to access how you feel about your relationship and if you think it can give you the satisfaction that you want.

First get clear on what you want in a relationship. What are your "at minimum" requirements? Are you satisfied with where your relationship is? What would you like to see? What are the pros and cons of a distance relationship? can you actually deal with it?

Then you must make time with your friend to discuss these issues. You may want to have a discussion where you present the issues you see and he presents the issues first.

You then need to discuss what he can live with and what he can't. And you both need to decide if you can mediate your own relationship or will you need help with a therapist? And more importantly if you are willing to see a third party if it means saving your relationship? In this discussion see if your goals for this relationship are the same? Is this a temporary affair or are you working towards permanency in the relationship?

In this discussion point out behaviorally specific things. Don't blame but point out the specific things that bother you.

See what happens with this. Use this discussion as a springboard to decide if further therapy is needed for you with or without your boyfriend?

Return to Your Relationship Q&As.