"Stories" from the Collective (YOU)

Me and My Boyfriends...

by Sarah
(Lagos, Nigeria)

I love my ex-boyfriend more than my current boyfriend. What should I do about it, if anything?...

QUESTION: Me, My Boyfriend And My Ex-Boyfreind...

MORE FROM Sarah...

Good afternoon, Steve and Paula.

The issue I have now is that I was in a relationship that ended two years ago. I still love my ex-boyfriend, even though I am in a new relationship with a new man.

I really love my ex-boyfriend more than my new boyfriend, so now I am faced with the issue of choosing one out of the two of them!

My ex-boyfriend is trying to forget about me because he doesn't want me to leave my new boyfriend - so he wants to go into a new relationship, but I love him.

What should I do? I have been over this for a month in my head. Please help me


Overcome Your Insecurities: Here's How!



"Letting go doesn't mean giving up... it means moving on. It is one of the hardest things a person can do. Starting at birth, we grasp on to anything we can get our hands on, and hold on as if we will cease to exist when we let go. We feel that letting go is giving up, quitting, and that as we all know is cowardly. But as we grow older we are forced to change our way of thinking. We are forced to realize that letting go means accepting things that cannot be. It means maturing and moving on, no matter how hard you have to fight yourself to do so."
-- Unknown

It's always difficult to move on in a relationship, Sarah, always - especially if that relationship had a lot of joy and love in it.

And it's often easier to love (and idealise) someone you're not in relationship with rather than to love person you are in relationship with.

And relationships usually end for a good reason! (So what makes you think having a relationship with your ex- would be different this time? I'm guessing that you ended this relationship - am I right? - and that it hurt your ex- a lot.)

And, finally, it doesn't look like you do have a choice here - your ex- says he isn't interested, does he not?

So, having said all that, this is my advice for you:
Share your concerns, as honestly as you can, with your current boyfriend

If you were truly happy in your current relationship you wouldn't be having your head turned by a love for an ex- of two years ago. So share this fact with your current boyfriend! Let him know that something doesn't feel right for you, and see how he responds - give him that chance at least.

Yes, it may well be time to let go of your current relationship, but make sure you're not just bouncing from being in one relationship to another. End this relationship first, if you must, and then look to start a new relationship with your ex-. And if he's still not interested then you must be brave enough to be alone until you meet the type of man that will make you happy (and who you make happy too).

STEVE NOTE: this is NOT how I do relationships, alas - I have bounced from one to another, at times, and it is not something I'm proud of. So please do not think I am patronising you by offering this 'advice' - 'one relationship at a time' really is the best way to go, and I wish I'd had more courage in the past to do so.



Comments for Me and My Boyfriends...

"Either Or" or maybe a third choice?
by: Paula Renaye

Relationship Roulette


Since Steve gave you solid advice all the way around, I'll just second his wise words and offer a little personal slant from what I've been dealing with myself.

I understand your confusion, I really do. But your choice really isn't an "either or" situation. There's a third option that I would encourage you to consider: (Take a deep breath.) Neither and None.

After my 25-year marriage ended, I immediately leaped into a relationship with a man that I thought I was madly in love with. Oh, I was flying high with the feelings I was getting from that! Well, at least at first. That turned into turmoil pretty quickly, and I found myself so "in love" and so "in angst" that I didn't know which was up.

Five years later, when I finally had the courage and the self-respect to end it, I took some time for myself without having a man in my life or even considering dating for a while. That time was crucial for me and it gave me a clarity about myself and what I really wanted in a relationship that I couldn't get when I was actually in one. And, as a pretty nice bonus, I got to know and actually LIKE myself!

I hope you'll consider backing off from both of these guys and getting clear without yourself about what you want and what you don't in a relationship, but most importantly in YOUR life. Once you are clear on that, the right person who fits with that new vision will show up and you won't be in angst over it.

You CAN have what you want. Just be sure you know what that is and don't settle for anything less!

All the best to you!
Paula Renaye


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