Jealous... Controlling... Angry!
I love my boyfriend of 2 years and he loves me. But he's controlling, and doesn't seem to trust me. This used to be okay, but now I want to live my own life, but his angry reactions to my new-found defiance scares me. Should I break up with him?...
"Relationships Q&A with You, Me and Paula Renaye"
QUESTION: What To Do With My Jealous, Controlling And Angry Boyfriend?
My boyfriend is jealous, controlling, and has anger issues. I have been with him for two years, we are 18 years old, and I love him dearly. I know he loves me the same way.
I am having doubts about continuing our relationship because he has very little trust in me, now that we go to separate colleges.
I like to live life and make a lot of friends, even if that means going to parties, and he doesn't like this. He isn't the same way.
I used to let him control me and who I was friends with but I've taken a stand.
I still have doubts, though, because we get into fights way more often now that I stand up for myself, and his anger scares me - he has punched walls before.
I don't know whether to stay or leave.
P.S. when it is just me and him, we have no problems, we have a great time spending time together and he treats me like a princess! But when it comes to me wanting to hang out with my friends, or having guy friends, or wanting a little space, then we have problems.
STEVE'S ANSWER"He who does not trust enough, Will not be trusted."
-- Lao Tzu
Hmm, it's such a shame that any of us feel the need to control, and to get angry when we do not get that control... And all because we do not trust, all because we do not think we can cope with what life brings us if we do trust.
So, GM, I'd say it's fairly clear that your boyfriend doesn't trust you, doesn't trust you to find your friends (esp. guy friends) more interesting than you find him!Your boyfriend is afraid
, and such is his fear - un-recognised by him, obviously! - that he's prepared to try and control you, to be jealous of you, and to even get angry with you!
And he's not doing this out of badness
, but because he knows no other way to trust in life than to try and control (he has learnt this behaviour from his family and his peers and from life).What can you do?
1. Pick a time when you're having a great time with each other, just the two of you, and tell him how you feel! Tell him about how you experience his anger and his control, and tell him that there's absolutely no need for him to worry like this. (Also tell him that you will not tolerate his anger anymore!)
Tell him it's much more likely that his anger and control will separate you rather than any of your friends
2. Listen to his answers, and decide for yourself whether your boyfriend is able to stop being controlling.
You are starting out in your relationships-life, GM, and you're experiencing something that many experience in relationships - the issue of a controlling, angry partner!
How you respond to this situation could well determine how you respond to it if it ever occurs again. And there's no need for anyone to control another human being
, for a relationship to feel secure and thus be a space that's safe to enjoy yourself in.
Thanks for you great question, and I wish you well with whatever decision you make about your boyfriend!
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Steve (Aug 31st, 2018)