SelfHelpCollective.com

Intimacy Issues After Marriage

by Andy
(Fremont, USA)

My wife and I have a dysfunctional sex-life - she doesn't seem to 'like' sex. I've put up with it for a while, but now I'm finding myself not wanting to have sex with her. Our relationship is great otherwise, but this is really upsetting me. Any help, please?...

QUESTION: What Can I Do About My Lack Of Sexual Attraction Towards My Partner?

Me and my wife got married 2 months back. Prior to that, we were together for 4 years (not living together, but working in the same company, living in the same town).

My wife is from a very conservative background, and her upbringing has been very strict, in an austere environment. Initially, her stiffness was amazing and she would easily pass as a prude.

Slowly over the years of us being together, she became relaxed to an excellent extent - but her physical aspect remained troublesome.

She always saw physical intimacy as the quintessential "bad/sinful thing" where the man derives all the devilish enjoyment at the expense of the woman. It was something best kept to a bare minimum.

We did get intimate sometimes, but I was always left with the feeling that she was just putting up with me so that I would not be disappointed. It was clearly a chore for her, and she'd not participate much in the process. In the years we've spent together, the number of times she has approached me for some intimacy has been zero.

I began to doubt my masculinity and attractiveness, and developed low self esteem. But eventually I was confident that I wasn't the mirror-cracking-frankenstein that I was thinking I could be, because there were other women interested in me (no, not models off magazine pages, but co-workers etc.).

Also, I didn't have any libido related issues in bed - none of the problems that would make a man look for those pills/devices on amazon.

In spite of my best efforts, this continued. However, I loved this woman dearly, and I knew she loved me just as much, and so we married.

Thing is, I didn't (and still don't) want anymore of that pitiful sex we had had at times - I had made up my mind to live with the many other beautiful aspects of our relationship.

However, lately she has been complaining that I'm not much intimate with her. I don't know how true her craving is (if at all there is any), or if she is cajoling me merely to keep me happy, but I just don't feel like it anymore, WITH HER. That's the highlight.

I'm still as sexually active (not with other women), but I prefer to masturbate than have sex with her. The thought of having sex with her now turns me off and I easily lose my libido.

Our frequency of having sex has now reduced to once in a week or two, and I'm unashamedly began to prefer it that way.

Is there something I can do to prevent this?

I'm in a mental trap where I am neither turned on by her, even though she is very attractive physically, and each time I imagine us being intimate in bed, well, I just reach for skyrim on my PC and forget about all of that, or watch some Jerry Springer.

Please help, our intimacy is dying, but I just can't see myself having sex with her. It's almost as if the Westermarck effect is at work and I'm finding intimacy with her as repulsive as incest.

 

 

STEVE'S ANSWER:

"Communication leads to community, that is, to understanding, intimacy and mutual valuing."
-- Rollo May

I suggest that you seek professional help, here, and you both begin to communicate what's going on, what sex means to you both. Perhaps a counsellor/therapist who specialises in sex within couples.

It's clear that both of you now have issues, and perhaps you feel 'changed' by the strain of unfulfilling sex in the past.

I think good communication between the two of you, as well as some professional help, CAN make a difference.

And the fact that you're aware of the other beautiful aspects of your relationship is really positive. Perhaps focus on those aspects rather than what you're experiencing (right now) as some kind of physical repulsion of your wife!

Thanks for sharing here. It takes a lot to share such an intimate problem, and I thank you for doing so.

And if there are others who read this who have experience of such a problem, or who know of suitable services, then please feel free to share.

Steve