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Importance of Sex in Relationships...

by Anon

The relationship advice online I'm looking for involves what to do with a long-term relationship where sex is becoming an issue again. It more or less ended my marriage - having sex 6 times a year - and now that's how it's going with my fiance of 7 years. I do not want this, but what to do...

QUESTION: Is It Time To Break Up With My Long Term Partner?...

MORE FROM Anon...

Is it time to break up with my long term partner or do I just have my head screwed on wrong right now?

I am female living with my male partner for the last 8 years engaged for 7 years. He was the first person I dated after divorcing my ex-husband of ten years. He is a good Man! My ex was emotionally abusive and emotionally unavailable as well as sexually unaffectionate. It is my belief that he has some mental health issues that prevented connection. Although I tried to meet most of my emotional needs on my own, a big issue for me was we had extremely infrequent sex and I had a high sex drive. I was faithful although we only had sex about 6 times a year for ten years. Eventually I couldn't take it and divorced him.

My boyfriend is a nice guy. Yes he has faults but I like human beings in general, human beings have faults and I can handle faults in an accepting manner. I am pretty independent and don't feel I have a lot of expectations other than that we are enjoying each other and communicating that enjoyment and appreciation. Other than one thing. I knew I could not handle the infrequent sex thing. That was my deal breaker because I did not want to go through that again. Five years ago our sex live began to fall off. He declined my advances repeatedly. He made few of his own. He said it was work related stress. I know his health isn't the greatest either. But, he would do nothing about either.

Eventually I went to counseling to get some support ... he was going through some difficult financial issues and work issues ... it had been going on for a few years. I needed support that he was not in any shape to give me. The counselor was probably not that good. I went for a year. Towards the end he went a few times with me. Although he knew I needed a more active sex life, nothing really changed. In addition, the fact that he knew and nothing changed made me feel especially unwanted. It is apparent that if he makes advances, it is only because he wants to keep me, not because he desires me. There is a difference. I want both.

I suggested a few months ago that we open up the relationship. I had an offer from an acquaintance/friend who is married and has permission from his wife to have an open relationship. She is not that into sex and it would take the pressure off of her and their marriage. He explained that he would never leave his wife. He loved her. That he would like a relationship that included dating because sex without relationship is not fulfilling. but, his wife would always come first. That seemed okay by me. I had my fiancee. I love him and did not want to leave him. I enjoy his companionship too. I just did not want a life without fulfilling sex. I didn't want to sneak around either! So, I suggested it to my fiance. He was firmly against it. He flipped!

He then refused to go to more therapy with me.

I love my fiancee. I am afraid that if I breakup with him I will feel as though it is a big mistake. There are a lot of qualities he has that I admire and love. But, I do not want to go through my life with this sex life. It has been five years. For the last 4 it has been sex about once or maybe twice a month. I am in my late forty's so is he. I have already missed a huge part of my sex life as an adult ... nearly two decades now. But, I am so torn. I did start to see another therapist a month ago ... in secret as my fiancee did not want to include one in our lives. But, I am still torn.

Logically I understand that I could meet another person . I have a fairly good job. I am not bad looking ... I seem to still turn many men's heads and I get many compliments. But, I really care about my fiancee. I love him and he had been part of my family and my life and in my heart for a decade. It would be a loss to lose him. What do I do?

To make matters more complex, there is a man who would like an affair with me. This is tempting. But, now I am wondering if the temptation is slanting my view of my situation. I feel so very tempted and even less willing to continue without a fulfilling sex life. Opening the relationship is not an option. I do not want to be a cheater. I want to be fair to my fiancee. I want to be fair to our relationship. I don't want to make a dumb decision based on screwed up emotions and regret it!



STEVE'S ANSWER

Thank you for sharing here, Anon, really - I understand the struggle a lot. Let me lighten things a little, first, with this Woody Allen quote then I'll give you the answer you seek:

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner you'd better have a good hand."
-- Woody Allen



Anyway, is it time to break up with your long-term partner? YES, yes it is time!...



Now tell me honestly, Anon, how did it feel to hear someone say yes, to give you permission to end this relationship? Was it a relief, a relief to hear this 'yes'? Or did your stomach 'knot up', did you think/feel 'How dare Steve say that? I don't want to leave him!"

How did my 'yes' feel to you? That is your answer...

And can I say that I applaud the mature way you seem to have handled this situation so far, the insights you have into yourself and your partners.

And I wish you strength and courage to help you make whatever decision you come to WORK for you...

 

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