SelfHelpCollective.com

I Was 'Emotionally Stuck'

by Steve
(England)

5 years after breaking up from my last serious relationship I was still 'unable' to start another romantic relationship with the intention of it being a long-term relationship. I was 'emotionally stuck', it seems. Fear overcame love. I was judgemental - of myself, and others. And I worried about what people thought...

(STORY THEME: self-sabotage)

...Initially, I didn't even know I had a problem.

It was the women that were 'wrong', not me.

But after a while, I started to get frustrated that 'something' was getting in the way. I'd meet women - good people, too - via internet dating, and soon start a relationship with one. But within a month (or less, sometimes), I'd start to feel very unsettled; I'd start to get resentful; I'd start to find fault with the woman - not pretty enough, too slim, we argue too much, too needy, not needy enough... And I'd end it soon after. And then I'd meet another woman, and another... and on and on it would go.

But worse of all - much worse than all of that - I'd start to feel GUILTY!

I felt guilty that I was messing women around; I felt guilty that I couldn't commit; I felt guilty that I wasn't in a long-term relationship *like everybody else*.

Oh, there were all sorts of issues at play - but I now believe that most of the issues boiled down to a single issue: I was TOO concerned about what other people would think.

Seems an odd conclusion to reach, but this feels like it was my main problem now, together with letting fear overcome love.

--

Now my 'story' is very much a work-in-progress.

As of writing, I have just restarted (for the second time) my latest relationship. But already fear has reared its ugly head. But I am also 'aware' of a new-found liberty I have, that of...

1) Enjoying myself in this new relationship - enjoying the moment
2) Being unconcerned about the future of this relationship.

Now the above may sound obvious to you, but this way of looking at a relationship has probably always eluded me.

It feels okay to have fun, even if failure - see I can't even call the end of a relationship anything but a 'failure', right now - is what awaits. I feel I'm on the right path...

And that's why my story is inspirational, at least to me anyway. Not because I'm now 'fixed', but because I have a greater understanding of what the problems were, and a much clearer idea of what I need to do, to make those 'problems' disappear (i.e. think positively about relationships, and experience them in the moment more).

Yes, with persistence and a lot of so-called 'inner work' I have unstuck myself emotionally; I'm freeing myself from an emotional 'quick-sand' of my own making.

And this is what I have learnt (so far):

• Know you have problems (this can be the toughest part)
  
• Do something about them, and
  
• Never believe your problems are insurmountable: they're not!
  

That's what I think, anyway. :-)

Thanks for reading...

Steve

Ps This story is based on my story that you can read here! I've updated it a little, with the perspective of another year (I wrote that story in 2008, and this update was written April, 2009)