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How Do I Regain His Trust?

by Wen
(Ohio, USA)

I've just started dating a man. 3 years ago (just after his divorce) he was stalked by 2 women, so is now very sensitive to being stalked. This is the first time he's dated since then. Well, on a date with him, I overheard the waitress mention his surname. Later, when I joked about knowing his surname, he completely freaked out, thinks I'm another stalker woman and wants nothing to do with me. Help? How do I go about regaining his trust?...

QUESTION: Regaining Trust?

MORE FROM Wen...

How to I get a guy to belive that I am who I say I am and give our relationship a second chance?

I met a wonderful man on an online dating site. We chatted and he told me briefly that he had not dated at all for the past two years because immediately after his divorce three years ago he had encountered two ladies who ended up being stalkers and were leaving notes on his vehicle at work, baskets on his doorstep at home with gifts for his kids, they investigated him and found out information he did not share with them and he ended up filing restraining orders on both of them so he had given up dating.

Fast forward about two weeks and we met for dinner. At this point we had not exchanged last names. When he paid the bill with his credit card, the waitress thanked him using his last name but he was mid-sentence talking to me when she did and apparently did not hear her. I should have spoken up and said something but I was a little nervous meeting him and for whatever reason did not. The date went really well and we had a great connection.

A few days later we were texting back and forth, just bantering jokingly and for whatever really stupid reason I made a joke about knowing his last name. He freaked out and asked how. I told him from the waitress at the restaurant and he did not believe me. I immediately called him and apologized and explained exactly what happened but I could hear the panic in his voice. He has children and these other crazy ladies he viewed as a threat to his children and he puts his children above any dating relationship hence giving up dating for two years. So we hung up and I waited until the next day and I called him again and tried to explain and apologize but I could tell from his voice that he was not buying it.

At that point my emotions got the best of me and the next day I sent him an emotional text about how much I really liked him, how I didn't want to lose him over a text and how stupid I was for not being more careful with what he had told me but I did not get a reply. And of course that made me upset and mad so the next day I sent one more text, a little more emotional and a little bit angry that he wouldn't believe me....but in all reality he doesn't know me that well.

He did send me one sentence back that said I don't deal with stalkers, Goodbye. I was devastated. It has been two weeks since that happened and I am missing him like crazy. We both agreed we had an unbelievable connection. We were matched 94% of the dating website, which neither of us put much faith in but when we met it was like we had known each other for many years. There was an unexplainable comfort level, a huge physical attraction, the conversation was easy, the physical side was easy. He said from very early in our conversations I was the first lady that even made him consider going on a date again after the two crazy ones.

While I do have feelings for him, I am also devastated that someone things I could be a danger to their children. I am the least scary person every, take home stray animals and once hit a deer and pulled over on the side of the road and threw up because I was so upset I killed a deer! I cannot stand that I put fear into a grown man and hurt him, which is not me and whether or not I can get him back I want him to know that I am not what he thinks. I did not use his last name for any internet searches, just as I told him. I know nothing more about him than what he has told me.

Other than just letting some significant time pass before sending another non-emotional apology, any suggestions how to get him to believe that A) I am not a stalker and B) maybe to give us a second chance?

Thanks in advance...

 

 

STEVE'S ANSWER

"What you think of me is none of my business."
-- Terry Cole Whitaker

Thank you for sharing your relationship problem on our relationship advice forum. I shall try to be quick in my reply, and then leave it open for others to offer a response for you.

You seem to have two problems:

1) A potential wonderful relationship has come to an end for no (real) reason on your part (and what, if anything, can you do?).

2) You are concerned that someone might think you are a harm to their children (that you might even be a stalker)

So I shall try to cover both your concerns in this short-ish reply.

So, this man might, indeed, be wonderful but he has serious trust issues. Nothing untoward has happened here, whatsoever, in 99.99% of most people's worlds. But this man had two women stalk him (at the same time - he must be one unlucky man!) and now every woman is a potential stalker first, a potential wonderful woman second.

It really is not your job to control what someone thinks of you. So if he thinks you are a stalker - and he is an expert, after all (once a stalker, always a stalker; people are not allowed to make *any* mistakes; etc.) - then you are a stalker. At least to him.

Seriously, and I understand that you feel bad about meeting someone wonderful only for that opportunity to be suddenly taken away, you have had a lucky escape! This problem, of him thinking the world is filled with "stalker women", was going to interrupt your relationship sooner or later.

Better sooner, to my mind.

So...

1) I'm sorry that something wonderful between you and him has abruptly come to an end. That is life, though. And there really is an abundance of wonderful relationship opportunities out there. So try again! Please. Get back onto the internet dating site, and look again.

2) You really are not responsible for other people's thoughts. If someone thought I was a stalker - and, they might! - I'd review their evidence, ponder on it a while (to see how they could possibly think that) and then I'd let the thought go.

Because I am not a stalker!

And as long as you are not a stalker - and it really doesn't look like you are! - then YOU ARE NOT A STALKER (no matter what someone else thinks)!

This 'wonderful man' has serious trust issues, and really does not allow for people to make any mistakes in his world.

Not so wonderful.

A lucky escape.

In my humble opinion.

But if anyone out there disagrees with me (or agrees with me) then please leave me a comment.

Thank you

Steve

PS Note: I don't believe this man will always have serious trust issues, he just does now!