SelfHelpCollective.com

From Friendship to Relationship?

by Andie
(Canada)

I've known "John" a long time, I like him a lot. For various reasons we've always just been friends. Well, at the end of my last relationship (which turned nasty) I turned to John for support. And that's when things got physical with us for the first time. Now I'd like a relationship, I think, but don't want to spoil our friendship, what to do?...

QUESTION: Moving from friendship to a relationship?

MORE FROM Andie...

I have been friends with "John" for 3 years. We met in school and instantly had a strong connection. At the time, he had a longterm girlfriend and had only moved to town for school, so when they broke up I didn't pursue anything; he was fresh out of a long term and I didn't want to be a rebound.

Also, I knew his bags were packed when the school year was over.


Flash forward 3 years. He is 5 months out of a long distance relationship. I've had a long distance one fail as well and am 2 weeks out of a relationship that had been over for me for almost 5, it just took me way too long to voice my feelings. My ex was being particularly nasty toward me when I ended the relationship, so I made a choice to get out of town for a night. My friend John volunteered to host me, so I made the 3 hour drive.


We fell back into the easy rhythm of friendship that we had shared three years ago. But somewhere along the line we crossed the line from just friends to more, physically. Now I am feeling pretty strong feelings toward him and don't know how to tell him. I am afraid to ruin the friendship. But over the 2 days we spent together, he acted very romantically. We've spoken since, but it hasn't felt romantic.

But remembering the things he said and did make me feel like there might be something there. I am so lost as to what to do: do I tell him and risk ruining the friendship with the possibility of pursuing a relationship or leave it alone and let the status quo reign.

Help!

 

 

STEVE'S ANSWER

"It is difficult to know at what moment love begins; it is less difficult to know that it has begun."
-- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

These thoughts came to me as I read your question:

You seem to think that talking about a possible romantic relationship might ruin your friendship with "John", but give no heed to the fact that you both 'crossed the line' and ventured into a physical relationship.

Why do you think it's the talking that's going to threaten your relationship rather than the actions you took?

Your friendship has changed; meaning it's already at 'risk' - whether you talk about your feelings for him, or you don't.

If this is a friendship worth anything at all, then it will be able to bear such a discussion, if it ends up that you only stay friends. Don't you think? Don't you see how talking about this can only strengthen a good friendship; how not talking about it can only weaken it?

And... well nothing ventured, nothing gained.


I think the truth here is that maybe you've always wondered what having a relationship with "John" would be like, and now it looks like you're on the verge of discovering it. So it feels scary.

Concentrate on what feels good about you and "John"; communicate lovingly with him - share your feelings, like you've done here; and see what happens.

Remember, your friendship changed forever just as soon as you 'crossed the line'. So why not see what you can change it into from a place of love, eh, rather than a place of fear!...

(Remember, there are no guarantees in life, and that's especially true when it comes to relationships. All anyone can do is be as open and honest and vulnerable (without being needy) in relationship, as they are able, and to see what happens when they do that...)

What do others think?

Steve