SelfHelpCollective.com

Friendship to Relationship Transition

by Anon
(USA)

Online relationship advice needed please as I don't know what to do with a long-term male friend who's been interested in me for a long time. I'm now single, and ready to see what might happen between us both, but he's now started to play games with me, it seems...

QUESTION: Does He Love Me?...

MORE FROM Anon...

I've been friends with this guy Peter for a year and a half, and he's been interested in dating me all along (well he backed away when I was seeing someone).

There was a guy I was seeing shortly after we became friends and that relationship ended badly and Peter was really there for me through it - he's the best friend that I've ever had.

I was so hurt by what happened and I really needed his friendship but I was very honest with him (I didn't want to lead him on); he was fully aware that I didn't want to even think about dating anyone for a long time, and he said he was fine being friends, that he wanted to be there for me.

He has been a great friend, but has still pursued me - like he's showing that he wants to be with me, but he cares enough to wait until I'm ready...

Things ended with the other guy a year ago. So I thought that I should give it a chance with Peter - he is a truly wonderful man, after all - and let him know that I'm interested in seeing where this will go.

I haven't directly said this, but I did send him a message recently telling him the things that I like about him. (He's in the military, so was at his base which is why I couldn't tell him this face to face - which is why I sent it to him via text message. We do text often, about all sorts of things.)

It's just strange because he's been pursuing me for a while, and now the past few weeks - since I've started giving him 'signs' that I want more than a friendship - he's started playing games.

I just don't get it!

Like he's always been honest with me (I think it's cute like if he didn't respond to me right away he would tell me what was going on, but now like he'll text me at work asking how my day is and I'll tell him and ask about his then he doesn't say anything to me - this keeps happening, it's just odd).

So now that I'm starting to show interest in him, he's distancing himself from me, but then he's back to himself with me, then he starts to withdraw - it's back and forth and things feel strained.

Is it just normal, this weird in-between stage going from friendship to relationship? What should I do? I know guys should be the pursuers, but since I told him several times in the past that I wasn't ready to date, isn't it my place to pursue him a little?

Like do I need to directly tell him my feelings and not just say "the things that I like about him"?

By the way - some background to me, I'm 23 and the guy I dated a year ago was my first relationship, and I really loved him and about 5 other major things went on in my life that were bad which is why it took so long for me to be ready. Just thought I would mention that lol...

 

 

STEVE'S ANSWER

"What is uttered from the heart alone, Will win the hearts of others to your own."
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

THE absolute first thing that comes to mind when I read your relationship story is the difference between how clear you are when you tell him you're not interested and how UNCLEAR you are now that you are interested.

And you wonder why HE'S playing games?

At the very least, I think he deserves you to be as honest as you were before.

And I really hate giving advice like this - I much prefer for the advice to 'come from you', stimulated by the answers you find here. But in this case, please just be straightforward with this man - again, I think it's the very least he deserves for the patience (and love) that he has consistently showed you in the last few years...

Thanks for your question

Steve

PS Having said the above, it is a lot easier to ask someone to be with you when you know they're going to say 'no'. When a man (or woman) senses the answer may be 'yes' then this could well stir 'commitment' issues. So be up front, like I say above, and let him know where he stands, then give him time to adjust. After that please feel free to challenge his behaviour if it continues to be 'less than it used to be'...