Depression, God, and Me
(Newport, Kentucky (USA))
Why I Couldn't Just Listen to People When They Told Me to Snap Out of It
I have never been a person to share intimate details of my life, but after my recent life event, I feel I want to help other who may be in the same situation.
To start off, I want to share with you that escaping the brick walls of depression
is not something that happens over night. In my case it got worse before it got better. I never had your picture perfect, cookie-cutter life. My dad was emotionally abusive to both me and my mom. I would always find myself wondering, "Why me God?"
I went to church every Sunday and thought I had a good relationship with God. It was not until 6 weeks ago when the love of my life broke up with me, that I realized how damaged I was, and just how far away God had become in my life.
My dad controlled every aspect of my life for 18 years. He will still try to do it today, if I would let him. When my ex-boyfriend broke up with me he said words that hurt me more than anything my dad had EVER said or done to me had hurt me.
He told me "You will never be different, you are controlling just like your dad
, and that is how you will always be."
I know he had no intentions of this hurting me as much as it did, and he later apologized saying he did not mean it he just knew it would hurt me. However, he does not know just how bad that hurt me. All my life, I was so afraid of letting anyone in, because I did not want to hurt them the same way I had been hurt. Let alone the man I saw (still see myself) spending the rest of my life with.
I was so far deep in my depression and self-doubt, that I saw myself becoming happy for the first time in my life, and pushed it away. I was afraid to be happy, I did not even know what the feeling felt like.
I did not know what it meant to laugh and actually mean it.
A laugh that comes from so deep down that you can feel your core shaking. It was in that moment, looking into the eyes of the person I love, and knowing how much I had hurt them without even knowing it, that I knew it was all or nothing. I either quit or I made a change. Little did I know that change I made 6 weeks ago would get me to where I am now.
I now realize how little all of those things I thought mattered actually mattered. I had someone who loved me for who I was; however, I did not love myself enough to believe I even deserved that love.
It was not until that night 6 weeks ago today that I knew I had to make quit a lot of changes in my life.
Those changes have not been easy.
They have been really really hard, but after 10 years of severe depression and anxiety, on that night 6 weeks ago, I did just "snap out of it."
However, I did not do it on my own. The reason I have been able to get to where I am now is because I told my brain to go eff itself and I opened up my heart completely to God
. I have let God into my heart, and I cannot describe the peace and the happiness I feel with what he is doing with my life.
I would love to help others, and give others in my situation courage that it does get better. It will not happen when you want it to happen, or even the way you want it to happen. I did not want to have to spend any days of my life without the man I love in it, but if I was not spending these days without him, I would not be becoming the God-filled and self-confident person I am becoming.
It will take something hard, something so hard you feel like you cannot endure this one last thing, to make you realize that your life IS worth living. Everyone has a purpose for their life, and I feel this journey of the last month and a half is God giving the opportunity to share my story with others, and let people share in my journey along with me!