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Deciding Between Wife and Lover...

by Max
(USA)

I've been married a long time. I've also had a lover most of that time too. I love both women, but - ideally! - I wish I could leave my wife, but I can't. Even now my lover has the early stages of Alzheimer's I can't. I'm a mess...

QUESTION: Should I End My Marriage For Sick Partner?...

MORE FROM Max...

I have been married for over 25 years to a wonderful woman. However, for large parts of the marriage I have been seeing a woman who I have always (since high school) wanted to be with.

I just can't bring myself to end it with my wife simply because I want to be with the "other woman". I have been with the "other woman" enough that the "novelty" is long gone. I do truly love her and know we would make great partners....she'd be a better partner than my wife. Sex is a non-issue as it is satisfying in both relationships


I have had the chance to leave on numerous occasions. Twice my wife knew and allowed me to stay. Now, I have found out this other person may have the onset of early Alzheimer's. She doesn't have anybody she trusts to help her.

I now feel that since I have fulfilled my obligation of raising the family and getting me and my wife financially comfortable that now is the time to leave so I can finally be with the woman who I have always wanted to be with and so I can help her.

The other woman has recently given me an ultimatum that I come or that we should never be together. She, understandably, says she wants to move on and can't keep waiting for me to decide.

I said I am staying with my wife. This happened a week ago and I am feeling terribly guilty for leaving her alone again and now with this horrendous disease.


Clearly, there is more detail to this story but this is the Reader's Digest version. I am a mess mentally and need direction.

Thanks for your consideration.
Max

 

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STEVE'S ANSWER

"Life is the sum of all your choices."
-- Albert Camus

Max, I wonder what the real reasons were behind you not leaving your wife. Each time 'life' gave you an opportunity to make the decision, to honour your love for this woman, and yet you chose not to. And even now when you could leave your wife and demonstrate unconditional love towards your partner, you choose not to.

'Life' has also conspired to provide you with two women who would not make your decision for you (until recently, that is).

I'm not surprised you feel terrible right now, because a truth about yourself - a truth you do not wish to acknowledge - is finally revealing itself.

I can't recommend any action for you to take other than to stop hiding from yourself - all of you, the 'good' and 'bad'. Honour this self, this self of darkness and lightness, and be honest, and Who You Really Are will do the rest for you.

I wish you ALL well, and thank you for sharing this relationship problem with us

Steve

PS I know you're aware of the impact your non-decision making has had on these two women over many years. This is also a part of you that you need to acknowledge, make peace with and be compassionate about...