Contributions from the Collective

"Stories" from the Collective (YOU)

Dazed & Confused

by Lisa
(Ontario, Canada)

My on-off on-off relationship with my boyfriend just got MORE complicated as he got a woman pregnant recently (when I thought we were 'off for good'), and she's going to keep the baby. I still want to get back with him again, so I'm confused at what I should do. I need relationship advice - please help!...

QUESTION: What Do I Do Now My Man Got Another Woman Pregnant?...

MORE FROM Lisa...

My boyfriend & I were together for 2 years on and off. We usually would only break up for a couple weeks and still be in touch with each other. This last time I broke up with him in Aug. and told him that I was done for good. We did not speak for about 2 months and when he finally did call me I told him I had moved on and was with someone else.

I thought I was over him, but then came to find out I still loved him and wanted to be with him.

Well I guess after I told him that I was over him, he slept with another woman which I can't say anything about as we were broken up and he thought there was no chance of us getting back together.

However, now we are spending time with each other again and thinking about getting back together once more. I love him and want this so much. But last night he told me that about a week ago this woman he'd slept with told him she is pregnant and the child is his and she plans on keeping the baby.

He is upset: he already has one child and didn't want any more but there's no choice there now of course.

I am hurt, sad, angry, feel sick etc. as I just found out but I still love him and want to be with him.

I know that the most important person in all this right now is the unborn child. I know that if I choose to be with him then the child will be part of my life too. I want to stand by him and be with him through all of this and be a family with him and this child. I cannot have any more children of my own and have always wanted more so part of me is okay with it.

BUT... I am very confused and have nowhere else to turn to get some advice/opinions about this. Please help!

Lisa

Overcome Your Insecurities: Here's How!

STEVE'S ANSWER

Phew! On-off relationships are tiring places to inhabit at the best of times - not being able to either fully leave the person or fully commit and be with that person. But when you add a real-life baby into the mix. Well, "phew!" is the word that comes to my mind...

"Why be in a difficult relationship when you can be single and enjoy life with one less problem."
-- Unknown

Okay, please understand that I don't know whether you should be in this relationship or you shouldn't. (Maybe you don't even know this.) I do know, though, that unless something is VERY different - either you behave differently, or your partner does - then the same breakdown in your relationship is going to happen. Again and again.

Add to the mix a real-life baby, and the fact that your man WILL have to have some kind of active relationship with this woman he got pregnant, then you are adding complications and difficulties to an already difficult situation.

So let me take on the mantle of Paula Renaye's 'tough love' here and bluntly say this to you: it's going to be really, really hard for you, but I believe that the sooner you break off ties with this man FOR GOOD the better for all concerned.

Yes, I may be wrong, and I don't particularly like to give direct relationship advice because no-one truly knows a situation other than those involved. But I believe trouble lies ahead, and the stakes got too high now.

(As for this man who got a woman pregnant despite the fact that he no longer wants any more children in his life, well a certain Homer Simpson expression comes to my mind! Er, what exactly was he expecting to happen having unprotected sex with this woman!)

It all smacks of that nasty disease we all suffer from, now and again, the dis-ease that goes by the name of self-sabotage.

You both deserve to be in great relationships I'm sure of that, where the joy of the relationship outweighs the pain considerably. Is this relationship you want to be in again such a relationship? And why do you really believe you can stop the on-off nature of your relationship THIS TIME? And why can't you both spend time on your own, rather than bounce from one relationship to another?

Harsh questions, yes, and I most certainly am not saying that I have not been involved in 'messy' relationships. So what I say to you IS easier said than done, but nevertheless I beieve that this one of those 'make or break' times in your life...

I wish you, him, the baby (when it arrives into this mad world we live in) and the other woman all the very best. And I hope others will share their (possibly different to mine) views here too - leave comments below).

Comments for Dazed & Confused

My Reply to Your Responses
by: Lisa

What Paula said hit the nail right on the head.

Being with this man has been more like an addiction than anything else. The feelings are so intense & powerful - intense periods of high followed by deep, dark lows.

Now I feel as if this "addiction" to this man is almost literally sucking the life out of me. My feelings for him are so consuming that I don't feel as if I can ever get over them or feel even something similar for someone else someday.

So the thought of saying goodbye to him for good, never seeing his face again, never hearing his voice again etc. makes me feel as though someone is reaching in to my chest & tearing my heart out. - it almost feels like I'm dying!

I can't sleep right & can't eat & have a hard time enjoying myself.

And right now I'm mostly getting pain because he is "stringing" me along, throwing me little "crumbs" when he feels like it. He says "I love you & miss being with you but lets take it slow" & "I'm not sure what I want right now because I'm scared of getting hurt again".

YOU'RE scared of getting hurt?? Well so am I but here I am handing him my heart on a silver platter yet again so he can "stomp" it in to the ground once more.

This has been a toxic relationship from the beginning & logically I know what I need to do, but try getting my heart on board with that. I don't feel like I will ever get through this & don't even know how to begin to try to move past this.

There's a better way
by: Paula Renaye

I have to echo Steve's wise words on all counts. He really said it all so I'm not going to repeat that great advice or that of the other commenter.

From both of their messages to you, you should be getting really clear on two things: One--There's genuine and heartfelt concern for you and we want you to have the best and happiest life possible. Two--the deck is stacked against you in getting it with this particular person.

I was in a five-year on-off relationship that very nearly did me in. In fact, I thought I would never get over the feelings I had for the guy--ever. Like you, I would break away only to get sucked back in.

The problem for me (for ME!) was that what I called love was really more of an addiction. I even called him my "drug of choice"--my attraction and feelings for him were that powerful. As with any addiction, there was a cycle of intense highs, followed by really low lows. It was never ever easy.

So, here's the bottom line: Good relationships don't feel bad.

When you find the right person, it won't be hard--there won't be turmoil--I promise. And the feelings that come from feeling emotionally and physically safe with something are amazing. Give yourself the chance to find amazing.

Best of luck and please write back!

Paula Renaye
Tough Love Author and Coach
Hard Line Self Help

Take Your Time
by: Anonymous

I think that what Steve has said is very on the mark advice and given with the clear message that none of us can really tell you what to do, but his opinion is probably extremely sound. And if you could actually manage to break away and move on you may find your life is easier and happier, but, that said...love is a powerful thing and to release a bond with someone isn't an easy process at all. And some of us defy all logic when it comes to love, and things still work out, so there is no perfect advice, except perhaps to listen to your own heart.

You guys really need to think deeply and clearly about whether you want to be together and make a commitment to stick it out no matter what, and if you run into trouble then talk, communicate, seek support, work through your problems, don't run away from them (break up and sleep with other people)! I know that pattern because I have been in one of these relationships myself over the past 6 years!!

If you do decide to continue to be in a relationship with this guy, I think to seek extra support via counselling would be a good idea, and perhaps do some self development studies together.

You sound like you already have children so you know what is involved in raising a child. Have you met the other woman? If so, is there a good chance you will be able to be a compatible co-parent to this new baby? As ideally to get along well with her would make a huge difference.

For now you are probably in a bit of shock and just need to try to calm yourself and take some time to absorb what has happened. Take care and good luck.

Watching a bit of comedy and [trying to see the lighter side to things] can always help to survive such emotional dramas. Treat yourself to some pampering of some sort, do a relaxation CD or class, try to chill and take a break form thinking about it really hard. Exercise and meditation and seeking some professional help can also support you to find the solutions you need.

You are important , ultimately YOUR happiness is YOUR responsibility - you need to look after you. Hopefully you have some good friends that can also support you at a time like this.

I know it is hard to find clarity; love is like a chameleon magician and it can be so difficult to see the wood for the trees sometimes. Take your time and give yourself some space to think about things slowly. Do activities that take your mind off the whole thing for awhile to give your brain and emotions a chance to stabilize.

It does sound like you are madly in love and I hope you can work it out and maintain the love, affection and friendship no matter which way things go. X

All the best.

Take Time to Listen to Yourself.
by: Anonymous

At this stage you need to be patient with your emotions and accept that you will feel unstable.

A lot of us wouldn't be here if everyone was "responsible" all the time. My beautiful daughter who is now 25 wouldn't be here if I'd been "responsible". Just another perspective (which Steve appealed for).

I do feel there is a need to take time out and remove yourself from the situation for awhile - do calming and self nurturing things instead. Relationships can be hard and you're not alone with this challenge. It is important that you look after yourself first. So here are a few sayings on the tough road that can be love;

"The course of true love, never did run smooth" -- William Shakespeare."

"When love is not madness, it is not love" -- Pedro Calderon de la Barca

"To be brave is to love someone unconditionally without expecting anything in return.To just give - that takes courage because we don't want to fall flat on our faces and get hurt." -- Madonna!

At the end of the day, it's about you connecting with yourself and asking some deep and personal questions that no-one else can answer for you. None of us are the same. Ultimately we must make the decision of what is right for us, what our own unique personality and character has the capacity to do and achieve, learn and give in this life.

[The first step], I think, [to finding happiness], is to [know yourself]. I find meditation has helped me very much in this area. When you stop and observe yourself and see what is really happening in your mind and emotions and from where your source of reactions and feelings come from, it can give you some clarity as to how to act in your life in many situations, including your love life.

A lot of confusion stems from imagining someone is a certain way due to our dreams, expectations and wishes and not really seeing them as they are. Perhaps your on-again off-again relationship has been part of a process of [filtering the fantasy from the reality] and helping you both to get to know each other more deeply and realistically.

We all want to be loved, unconditionally. You seem a very ca ring, loving & forgiving person & you also seem to be striving towards an unconditional love. There is a fine line between giving unconditionally & sabotaging our own happiness. We need our companions and friends so it can be difficult to find a balance, especially if the people close to us behave irresponsibly.

If you expect this guy to change or be a different person, be careful, because like Steve said, unless something big happens to change things, patterns do tend to repeat themselves. [Any change that you can depend on needs to some from yourself].

Return to Your Relationship Q&As.