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About Emotional Abuse?
by Anon
(Oklahoma, USA)
We argue all the time, and don't seem to bring the best out of each other. He blames me for it, and I blame him. Honestly, though, I don't know why he's even with me. Still, lately, I'm starting to think that he's emotionally abusing me...
QUESTION: Am I Being Emotionally Abused?
MORE FROM ANON..
Am I being emotionally abused?
This morning for example; I was accused of making my fiance late for work. He wouldn't wake up.
He told me if this keeps happening that he is going to leave me. I love my fiance and the thought of losing him makes me feel devastated. Yet, he still says this every time we have a huge argument. He has even told me he says it so I get my act together.
Every time we have an argument
I always feel like its my fault.
He makes himself out to be the victim.
He prides himself is saying that he has never laid a hand on me. And every time he says it, I tell him he is emotionally abusive though.
But he denies it.
I've looked up gaslighting but am still unsure if that's what he's doing.
I'm no angel myself. I yell and rant and rave. Like, not like a normal person. I mean over tiny stuff. Sometimes I feel like maybe I'm gaslighting him?
Sometimes I question why he is with me because of how crazy I am. He always gets upset with me when I'm upset. He just "wants me to be happy."
He always brings up how I was at the beginning of our relationship. "Why can't you be like the way you were before? Nice, sweet, scared to lose me."
Yeah he has said that....
But when I ask him why he puts up with me he just says. "Because I love you." He doesn't say, "Baby, why do you keep saying that?" like I would think a normal guy would respond.
Anyway, sorry this was long. I hope to hear feedback whenever you get the chance.
Thank you. I'm making myself anonymous, because I don't want him finding out I said anything.
Overcome Your Insecurities: Here's How!
STEVE'S ANSWER
"The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place."
-- George Bernard Shaw
My honest, radical answer. Yes, you are emotionally abusing yourself. In how you think about yourself, in how you think about your boyfriend, and in the world that you are creating for yourself.
Others might see it differently, though, and hopefully others might give you a more 'traditional' (more useful?) reply.
So, anyway, let me summarise your question:
* Is his behaviour acceptanble?
* Am I right in thinking that he is...
* Am I being emotionally abused?
Hmm, better questions would be, for anyone and not just you by the way
* Is *my* behaviour acceptable?
* Am *I* emotionally abusing them?
Or, better still,
How can I listen to what they're really saying?
How can I listen to what I'm really frightened of?
How can I think less about my relationship and enjoy it more?
I shall leave it to others to give their verdict on your 'emotionally abusive relationship'. Maybe a definite 'yes' might help you, but I've found that relationships fail or succeed because of two people and not just one.
Meaning, the blame game is the easiest game to play. (Look around, nearly everyone is playing it.)
Instead, I'll point you point you in the direction of these radical, yet helpful resources:
1) Byron Katie on relationships
2) The Relationship Handbook by George Pransky
3) How To Do Relationships by Steve M Nash
Steve
PS I do not mean to be harsh in this answer, I really don't. It's hard to be in a loving relationship, sometimes, because real communication there is so uncommon, and default patterns of defensive behaviour are relied on, instead. Like up above.
Also, often people unhappy with themselves want to be loved and accepted by others (like their partner) BECAUSE they are unwilling/unable to do that job for themselves.
BUT... I'm also probably not having a good day myself. (Hah!) Hence the perhaps harsh tone. Apologies.