Widowed, Befriended, "Seduced", Then Dumped!
10 months after being widowed I met another widower, a man, and we quickly connected via our mutual loss. We soon became lovers. But just as he was about to introduce me to his folks... Dumped! And now I'm feeling hurt, and lost...
"Relationships Q&A with You, Me and Paula Renaye"
QUESTION: Should I Seek Closure With This Man, Or Just Move On?... MORE FROM Diane...
I'm a 44-year-old woman that was widowed a year and 1/2 ago. I was devastated, of course.
About 10 months after my loss a male acquaintance (same age) made contact with me as he has 4 years prior lost his spouse and he was "reaching out". We spent a month communicating very deeply, mostly via email and phone calls. I then agreed to go for a walk with him and we did that numerous times per week for another month.
We talked a lot on our walks, being very vulnerable with one another. Whereas I didn't initially have a strong attraction to him, that changed and we became very passionate lovers in our third month.
We were officially dating and agreed we were exclusive. He told me he took down a profile he'd had up on a dating site. Our time together became nothing short of magical.
I do think I was beginning to fall in love with him. He gave me feedback which indicated his feelings were strong for me, as well.
We did not discuss the "L" word with one another - for my part, it was because I felt it was too soon and I even asked if we could "slow things down" because my emotions were getting ahead of me. He managed to talk me out of that saying all the words that convinced me I was just reacting to my own fears
We continued into our 5th month which is when he made plans to introduce me to his parents. The week prior to this planned "event" his communication with me withered - not as many phone calls and he even canceled getting together one evening. I certainly felt uneasy about this, however, I quietly backed away to give him "space".
The day of the "event" he phoned me and broke up with me.
He said he wasn't sure what his feelings were for me and that because he didn't "miss" me during our few days apart that week, he came to the conclusion that I wasn't "the ONE".
I was shocked and hurt. I have not heard from him since that phone call and I did see that he put his dating profile back up just days after the call. Wow - that hurt!
It has been over a month since we've spoken and I am feeling very sad that this has happened. I do miss him greatly, yet realize that he did not treat me respectfully in the "end".
I can't find perspective on this that will allow me to eat and sleep again. I trusted him to be gentle with my healing heart and he wasn't
. I am hurting over this. Would it be worthwhile for me to ask him for an explanation better than what he has already offered? Or do I close the chapter and move on?
Thanks for any advice you may have to offer. I'm feeling lost.
STEVE'S ANSWER"It's so much darker when a light goes out than it would have been if it had never shone."
-- John Steinbeck
You have seen the great and the not so great in this man that befriended you at a time when you were extremely vulnerable.
But no matter what experiences we share with someone, how closely it helps us connect with them, there is no escaping, sometimes, from deep-seated fears within us unless they are faced.
Now I have no idea why this man went so cold, so suddenly. Was it to do with the feeling of falling in love again and not wanting to experience (in his mind) the possible loss again (i.e. he could not face being widowed twice)? Or was it some habitual fear of intimacy
showing itself once more? I do not know, and maybe he doesn't either.
What we all know, though - including him - is that he has acted 'less' than he could have done, in the way he has ended this relationship with you, especially as he is fully aware of your vulnerability.So should you ask for closure?
Well, only if the act of doing so helps you irrespective of whether he even answers you.
It will give him an opportunity to reveal the great man that you first met, that's for sure, but it may also allow him to reveal the lesser version of himself too. (Can you take that, again?)
I wish you well, Diane, whatever you choose to do, and thank you for sharing your painful relationship experience with us all at Self Help Collective.
Take care of your heart; I hope you can keep it open to love, despite how it hurts now, because love really is worth it...What do others think?
NOTE: I've created a relationships ebook called "Top 10 Relationship Questions... Answered" that aims to help anyone in a romantic relationship - whether it's to start/end a relationship, or to learn how to trust in a relationship, or even how to deal with a controlling relationship.
And the answers in the ebook I provide (based on questions asked in the Relationship Advice Forum) help you find your answers, in your own unique relationships. I recommend it, but then I would say that wouldn't I! Find out more here...
(Dec 1st, 2015)