"Stories" from the Collective (YOU)


Why Won't He Make Love To Me?

by Confused
(Kansas, USA)

From not being able to keep our hands off each other, my boyfriend and I hardly have sex now, just 5 months later. Even though he tells me he loves me, he also finds fault with me, too often for my liking. What should I do?...


"Your Relationship Questions, Your Answers!"

QUESTION: Sexless Relationship and Picking On My Small Imperfections


MORE FROM Confused...

My boyfriend and I have been dating for five months. The first two months we could not keep our hands of each other. He told me then, that "I finally met someone with the same sex drive as me!"

He still remains physically affectionate, but it stops there.

While we are in an embrace, he now pauses and will say something condescending, like "You look tired" (I and will have gotten several compliments from coworkers about how lovely I appear that day) or "Oh, you are wearing your spanx again, why, you don't need them!" or "Is that a stain on your teeth?" ... etc.

He says he loves me often and I still can hardly find the words to say I love him back, and the reason lies within the "picking" at me and largely because our sex life has disappeared.

I have inquired and asked him if he is still attracted to me.

He said he was.

I told him, what differentiates us from being friends, is a sexual relationship. He says I have a higher sex drive then him now. I find this absurd, as I only see him on weekends and would like to have sexual relations at least once a week, if only once a week.

~~

Last night, I pulled on a dress, and he commented that he liked it but didn't love the shoes with the dress. I made him tacos and we had a lovely dinner. I hoped afterwards this may lead to sex. When I inquired about sex later that evening, he said "I missed the opportunity" and that I should have asked him immediately "after he was done eating". I laughed at the comments, and said I enjoy sex before bed...he fought that notion with a retaliation that he (all of sudden) doesn't like sex before bed.

I do know he likes porn, I do not believe he is addicted, but I did comment, please come to me when you have those feelings instead of going to porn.

Nothing has changed since and I am feeling like a nag and rather rejected.

How should I take this?


 

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STEVE'S ANSWER

"If you don't want to do something, one excuse is as good as another."
-- Yiddish Proverb

Or, my way of saying the above, if you want to do something you find a reason to do it. If you don't want to do something, you find an excuse not to. So, reasons/excuses... they just let you know whether someone wants to do something enough, or not.

So... I feel for you.

And I thank you for sharing.

And the expression, "He's just not into you" (anymore) comes to my mind.

But this has nothing to do with he or she. I've experienced this kind of 'disinterest' myself, and these kinds of 'excuses'. They made sense to the person that made them, but they were really saying, "I'm not into you".

Now that's not to say, for you, that he could get back into you, it's just saying - right now - he isn't.

Don't look to fix the situations he says aren't right. This will not work. Another reason will be found.

When someone's "into you" they move hell or high water to be with you, to ravish (or be ravished by) you. (Or do whatever it is that you both value.)

You know this, deep down, to be true.

So I'm responding here, not to tell you about this man and what you should do and how you can get him to desire you. I'm responding to tell you, simply, he's not into you right now.

What do YOU make of that?

And what does it mean for him to not be into you?

How important is it for you to have a relationship with this man?

Questions for you, then, rather than answers.

Because each relationship works (and does not work) in its own unique way. With its own peculiar ebb and flow. And people shut down or open up in their own individual way for their own particular reasons.

Good luck listening to what came to you as you read my response.

As I said above, I feel for you.

(And I feel for your boyfriend, too, for he is unaware of his loss of attraction towards you. He believes his own excuses that he makes. And he doesn't see that you are still the same beautiful, and sexy woman he couldn't keep his hands off in the beginning...

This is a familiar relationship story, however, one that you are more aware of right now than him...)

Thanks again, for sharing your story, and I wish you well with whatever you decide to do next...

Steve

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