That's what William
G DeFoore, Ph.D, believes in his comprehensive, informative and engaging article
on anger management for teens.
William provides general ideas to help you
deal with an angry teenager at home.
He encourages you to "embrace
the outcasts and misfits" and he details several methods for helping adolescents
to deal with their anger.
I'll say it now: this teen anger management
article is worth reading!
And is ideal for anyone who has to deal with
children or 'young uns' - be they angry or not. Really.
You'll also find
a YouTube video discussing child anger management, featuring teens and children
from the US.
Yep, this page almost makes me wish I was an angry teen. Almost.
Understanding and Helping Adolescents Deal With Their Anger
Teen
anger management - what William G. DeFoore, Ph.D. has to say...
What do
we do about the angry and/or violent adolescents? Good question. This article
has some possible answers.
Angry children need love. The older
and angrier they get, the harder they are to love, and the more frightening they
can become. You can see how this can become a "downward spiral" that
feeds on itself. This is what we want to avoid.
If you have an angry teenager
in your home, extended family or community, here are some ideas that may help:
Find
out what they like to do and do it with them. That's a stretch in some
cases, but do the best you can. They will notice the effort. Stay true to yourself-if
they see you trying to become like them, they'll lose respect for you.
Ask
them to tell you about the things they're interested in. You may have
to prove that you're really interested before they will open up, but if you're
sincere and persistent, they will start talking.
Be
a steady, loving presence in their life. You may have to forego some of
your other activities, but if you have an adolescent who is possibly moving toward
violence or suicide, it's worth it.
Get in touch
with your own healthy anger, so that you have the personal power and confidence
to deal with the energy of adolescent anger.
Work to master
humor and love. Find as many ways as possible to have fun with the adolescent
and show your love. Make sure that you are pursuing the relationship for them,
and not to fulfill some unmet needs from your own past.
Consult
with other adults and parents who are good with teenagers. Watch how they
interact with kids and learn from their example.
Pray.
You're going to need all the help you can get, and you need to know you are not
alone in your mission to bring love to this unhappy child.
==>
EMBRACING THE OUTCASTS AND MISFITS
Rest assured that the misfit or outcast
child that you approach will not accept you if they see unresolved fear and anger
in your eyes or actions. You have to deal with your own inner anger and
feelings of isolation before you can help teens with theirs.
Since
we know that the outcasts and misfits are the children most likely to become violent,
it only follows that we must invite them into the arms of love and/or acceptance,
and find a place where they fit. If a system (school, family or community) doesn't
have a place where a child fits, there's something wrong with the system, not
the child.
Look around you in your family and your community. Do you see
the outcasts and misfits? The ones that seem to have no friends, or who only hang
out with others who also don't seem to fit in? Look for the ones that don't "act
right," are too much one way or the other. Especially look for the ones that
are not talking about their feelings, and seem to carry a lot of depression or
anger.
Believe it or not, genius often hides in such places.
If you are wise, healthy and dedicated enough to win an inroad to the heart and
mind of one of these "personas non grata," you may discover a hidden
treasure. The movie "Good Will Hunting" depicts such a case, where an
angry, violent misfit is also a gifted genius. The older movie "The Breakfast
Club" also shows us the beauty in the shadow of the misfit.
You won't
always be welcomed!
Kindness and compassion will sometimes be greeted with
doubt, fear and even anger at first. Persistence pays. If you are really sincere,
and have the courage to penetrate that outer shell and touch the tender heart
within, you might just be saving someone's life.
Consider the outcasts
and misfits in your world to be unexplored territories of your own soul, undiscovered
treasures waiting for you. The rewards will be as great for you as for those you
help.
When we look deep enough into any living being, we find the face of
God.
Teach this to your children, like Max did in the following example.
Teen
Anger Management Example -------------------------------------
Max
had come to me for almost four years, to heal from a very painful childhood, and
to learn to manage his anger toward his wife. He was making excellent progress,
and was tapering off in his sessions.
Max's son Derek was fourteen years
old, and the apple of his dad's eye. Max was determined to give Derek the healthy
guidance, love and positive role modeling he had never received as a child. Recently,
Derek had begun to show some anger problems similar to his dad's. Max was determined
that his son would not grow up and treat others the way he (Max) had treated his
wife. We discussed several strategies, but the one Max came up with was entirely
his own idea.
Smiling ear to ear as he sat down to start his session, Max
told me of some of his recent successes with his son. "I have always been
afraid I would end up homeless and living under a bridge. So, I decided to confront
this fear a little more directly. After church Sunday, Derek and I took about
40 hamburgers to the homeless people living under the overpass downtown. Derek
loved it! Now he wants to feed all of the homeless people in the city. Those people
were so grateful. It's only been a few days, but Derek seems less angry to me
now.
Max was quiet for a moment, as he wiped his eyes and regained his
composure. He had given a great gift to some outcasts and misfits, to his son,
and to himself.
A few weeks later, he reported that Derek was still calmer
and less angry. Anger can be a very selfish emotion, and sometimes generosity
and giving can break a person out of the angry shell they've been trapped
in.
(End Teen Anger Management Example)
==>
TEEN ANGER MANAGEMENT -- METHODS FOR HELPING TEENS DEAL WITH THEIR ANGER
What
to say... When the teen is in the middle of expressing anger, your verbal
response is extremely important. Though it remains true that your non-verbal signals
will speak more loudly than your words, we must not underestimate the power of
the spoken word, particularly during intense emotional experiences.
If
the anger is being expressed mostly in nonverbal ways, say something to the effect
of, "Wow! I can see that you are really angry right now. I'm
sure you have good reasons to be angry. Your anger seems really strong to me.
I want you to know that it's okay with me for you to be angry, and I want to help
you deal with it so that nobody gets hurt-including you." In these and other
words, communicate the idea that "There's nothing wrong with feeling anger,
the important thing is what you do with it."
Practice
reflective listening. Repeat back to the adolescent what you hear her
saying in a non-judgmental, soothing tone. This provides a comforting effect,
and lets the teen know she's being heard. Start with phrases like, "So what
I hear you saying is…" or "So you're saying…" Stick with
their words and references, using as little interpretation and as few of your
own words as possible.
Express empathy and understanding.
This is simply a matter of imagining yourself in the teen's position, and attempting
to see things from his viewpoint. Use phrases like, "When I put myself in
your shoes, I can see why you would feel that way," or "From where you
stand, it looks like…" or "I think I see what you mean" or
"That makes sense to me."
Avoid teaching, correcting
or instructing while a youth is angry. Only when he starts to calm down
and relax, you may want to share some of your own similar struggles or experiences.
The goal is to help him deal with and understand his anger. Discipline needs to
be kept separate from this kind of communication, and administered when both you
and the teen are calm. That way he gets the clear message that it is not his emotion
that is being disciplined, it is his behavior.
***
Teen Anger Management - What You Can Do, What The Child Can Do Too ***
What
to do... If the teen is physically small enough and if it feels appropriate
to you, you might want to try holding her during her anger episode. This has been
found to be highly effective in many cases. It provides loving, powerful and safe
boundaries when the teen is feeling out of control. The nonverbal message is,
"I'm here. I'm not going to leave you. I'm not going to hurt you, and I won't
let you hurt yourself or anyone else. I'm going to hold you until you feel safe
again." You can also speak these words, if it feels right. Here are some
recommendations to make this procedure safe and successful:
If you
are extremely afraid or angry yourself, do not try this technique. Your emotions
will feed the anger and fear of your child and make the situation worse. If this
is the case, you may want to consult with a professional for individual or family
counseling.
If you believe that this approach might help, and
if you feel comfortable doing so, hold the teen from behind, ideally with him
sitting in your lap. Protect your face in case he tosses his head back toward
you. The goal is for no one to get hurt.
There needs to be both
love and power in your embrace. Strong but not too strong, relaxed but not too
relaxed. This lets the child know you are in charge, that you love her and can
and will protect her.
Be ready and willing to devote some time
to this. If you don't complete the process, you may do more harm than good. Hold
the child, and wait until he calms down and relaxes. Often he might cry or even
fall asleep as the anger subsides.
Through this gesture you are
communicating love, acceptance, safety, protection and power all at the same time.
As
a reminder, only use this technique if you feel confident that it is right for
you and your child. Consult a professional if you are unsure.
What
to have the child do... In some cases, the child may need to release anger
physically. This can be accomplished in a number of ways:
Supervised
play with toys, or play therapy in a professional setting, can be very effective
in helping smaller children release anger. The violence that occurs between the
toy characters is non-destructive, and can be very informative to the therapist
and/or the parent who is observing. This can also include drawing pictures, or
throwing clay against a wall or board where no harm can be done. This would only
be appropriate for younger or more immature teens.
Hitting pillows
or a mattress with a harmless object such as a tennis racket or bataca bat. This
can be done in a playful manner, and the teen will still receive benefit. Most
teens will resist this approach, so don't push it. It absolutely has to be something
they want to do, or it won't work.
Some teens may benefit from
the "temper tantrum technique." This is simply a matter of the teen
lying on his back on a mattress and hitting and kicking alternately with both
hands and feet. This can provide a deep and powerful release in some cases. Parents
should use their own judgment as to when it is necessary to contract for the services
of a professional for this type of exercise.
One of the best parents
I know told me that he had his daughters use the "Name it, claim it,
aim it" technique for dealing with anger. In other words he taught
them to put a name on their feeling, take responsibility for it, and direct it
into some kind of release or constructive activity. An example might go something
like, "I'm angry and sad," (naming and claiming it) "and I want
you to help me talk to Bobby about how he is acting." (aiming it). This is
an excellent approach, and I highly recommend that parents use this and any other
guidelines they run across that help them to teach their children to manage and
express their emotions in healthy ways.
In conclusion, I encourage
you to do your best to understand everything that is going on in your child's
life and development process. S/he is a complex being, and everything s/he is
feeling makes sense at some level. Believe in the goodness of your child. And
take good care of yourself-a healthy parent is the best gift you can give your
child.
Dr. William G. DeFoore is a counselor, executive coach, speaker and president
of the Institute for Personal and Professional Development. He has been on the
faculty of the Wellness Program at Cooper Aerobics Center for fifteen years. He
has 35 years of experience in helping people achieve healthy, happy relationships,
build their faith and optimism and manage their anger. Get free information, watch
videos and purchase books, CDs and downloads at his two web sites, Defoore.com
and AngerManagementResource.com
Teen anger management - what I say...
See what I mean? I told you that Dr DeFoore's article about teen anger management was powerful!
But then the issue of teen anger management is a powerfully corrosive and damaging
(very real) issue for many, many families.
So thank you, Dr Defoore, for
sharing your teen anger management thoughts...
As for me, well it's a long
time since I was an angry teenager. :-) Actually, I never needed teen anger management
- I was a good boy, when I was a kid, never getting into trouble! - but that might
be why I still have anger management issues today, however. Hmm, not sure.
Anyway, suffice it to say that I am no expert
in teen anger management, and that's why I decided to let William G. DeFoore have his say on this important issue of teen anger management.
Teen anger management -
what YouTube has to say...
Teen anger management - a US school campus perspective - a la Real Life Teens. Listen to teenagers talking
about other teenagers - both the causes and effects of teenage anger, and teen
anger management. It's interesting, if a bit depressing look at teen anger management.
