"Stories" from the Collective (YOU)


Staying Together (Or Not)?

by Jay
(Sydney, Australia)

I have always wanted to get married, have children. But it seems my long-term boyfriend is in no hurry to do the same. Should I be patient, or should I just move on?...

"Relationships Q&A with You, Me and Paula Renaye"

QUESTION: Should I Stay With Him Or Move On?...


MORE FROM JAY...

My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years.

I have finished my degree and work full-time, he is working towards his postgraduate degree and will be finished in 3 years time.

I have always wanted to get married and have kids - something he is aware of. However recent discussions about the future have shown that we want different things.

My boyfriend wants to travel when he is finished studying and live overseas for an extended period of time. I too love traveling and would like to do so but then afterwards settle somewhere near family and have kids.

He is very adverse to getting engaged and states that it is not the right time in his life, when he is finished studying he will consider it.

Should I trust him and commit to another 3 years of waiting, or should we cut our losses and move on. We love each other very much and both want the other person to be happy, but it seems we have very different ideas of happiness and very different life goals.

Advice would be appreciated,

Thank you, Jay







STEVE'S ANSWER

"The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place."
-- George Bernard Shaw

It sounds to me, from what I've read above, that you'd be happy to be patient as long as you know that your boyfriend wants what you want - to settle down, soon, and bring up a family together. And he doesn't seem to be able to give you that reassurance right now. I think you should be clear to him how important it is for you to settle down and have children.

In fact, I wonder, Jay, how much real communication is going on between you and your boyfriend. Is this about having a child together, or is it about living a certain vision of a lifestyle? Is this about finishing studying, on your boyfriend's part, of deferring the time when he must make this decision?

So I urge you to communicate, and communicate more clearly than either of you seem to be doing. Really talk about ALL of the issues, all of what is gained, by you both taking your preferred respective paths.

Good luck to you both,
Steve


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Steve
(Dec 1st, 2015)

 

Comments for Staying Together (Or Not)?

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To marry with children, wait, or get out
by: Sandra

Hi Jay, I would first ask you have you really discussed exactly what it is you are looking for out of this relationship with him, which is to be engaged, married, and have children, after of course traveling for a while.

If you both love each other and want the other to be happy in their life no matter what the other wants, then I would say really tell him and at a time when he knows you want/need to talk to him about something important to you. At a time when there will be no other distractions, and speak your mind and feelings openly with the him.

He is still in college so it may be that he doesn't even really know right at this moment if he wants these things or if he's only looking a few years into his future, maybe until he's out of college, working in his chosen career, and then traveling.

If that's the case tell him to tell you this also.

But since this is so important to you tell him you need to know what he wants in the future beyond all that. That should clear up any miscommunications about this between the two of you on this subject.

The best of luck Jay.

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