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Signs of My Low Self Esteem

by S
(Qld, Australia)

I find my greatest obstacle in improving my self esteem is my own 'self'.

I am hypercritical of everything I do. Even to the point where if I decide to just 'let loose' and have a little dance, I'll then criticise myself for how ridiculous I must have looked.

Constantly seeking permission from others to exist based on 'good deeds' and helping other in need, even if it's to my own detriment.

Lack of sleep/tiredness from my brain constantly analysing events from the past day/month/year etc.

Guilt and Resentment: Guilt is the most prevalent of these two feelings - I get a sense of guilt and shame when I become unwell because I believe it will make me a burden on others. The resentment often pops up as a result of the guilt - i.e. Because I feel guilty when there's a possibility that I could be a 'burden' to others, why don't other people feel like that? And if they don't feel that way, it's not fair... etc etc which leads to resenting said people.

Unforgiving/unrealistic expectation of perfection in others (and yourself). This is true for me on so many levels! I'm sure most people could see from the above paragraph how I end up in the perfectionist guilt ridden resentment cycle, right? In my head, to be a good person I need to strive to be as close to what I perceive society's expectation of perfection to be, which when I inevitably fail (as perfection is basically unobtainable) due to my hypercriticism I feel guilty, and on and on we go.

I'm on a constant 'emotional rollercoaster ride' when it comes to happiness vs depression. At times, I withstand some of the heaviest emotional attacks (depending on the person I'm receiving it from), however, there are times when the smallest 'straw breaks the camels back', so to speak.

Lethargy, procrastination, humiliation, hopelessness and a feeling of being lost are other prevalent emotional/ physiological states that I find myself in on a daily basis.

God, I hope these ebooks and websites can help me break this vicious cycle before it engulfs me to the point where I become an essentially 'useless' human being.