"Stories" from the Collective (YOU)


Should I Leave Him?

by Liza
(Georgia, USA)

I seem to being blamed for the behaviour of my partner's ex-wife (and child). They take advantage of him, and I get the blame. What should I do?...

"Your Relationship Questions, Your Answers!"

QUESTION: Should I Leave Him?


MORE FROM Liza...

I've been dating my boyfriend for 3 years.

We've lived together for about 1 1/2.

I know he has trust issues because his ex-wife cheated on him twice, but he took her back both times.

When he did, they still went on vacations, out all the time, he doted on her, and her children, giving them all the luxuries, nice clothes, jewelry, etc...

Even afterwards, they continued to use and lie to him...

Now that I'm with him, he constantly accuses me of cheating; or he says that I don't cook, clean or help him financially enough; or I don't act "excited" enough... It's always something to criticize me or my son when I clean the house myself, cook all the time, and my son does chores and is honest...


His ex had a maid, they went out to eat more than she cooked, and her kids didn't do anything to help unless they were bribed with a shopping spree...

She balanced their checkbook so it was easy for her to get money from her momma and make it look like she was contributing more, but yet he had to continuously borrow money from the bank & refinance the house to support their way of life...

I work a full-time job, have excellent credit, pay my own bills, support my own child, and buy groceries, etc for his/our home we live in and keep up with his families birthdays etc. to ensure a gift/money is sent to them...

But yet, I get punished for what the ex-wife and her children did? I make him pay for what my ex-husband did to me...

What should I do????







STEVE'S ANSWER

"Humility leads to strength and not to weakness. It is the highest form of self-respect to admit mistakes and to make amends for them."
-- John J. McCloy

Hmm, my first thoughts are these as I read your relationship question...

  • Your partner seems addicted to 'giving' as long as he also 'receives' (e.g. excited gratitude).

  • It seems you get blamed for reminding him of this issue that he has, that is/was well and truly exploited by his wife and child.

"Don't shoot the messenger!", they say, but you seem to be clearly getting shot here.

So, what should you do?...

Well, I suggest you share your observations into his behaviour with him as gently as you can. BUT... he might not want to hear it, and if he doesn't then I really can't see this relationship working out. If he does, then there may be a chance that he's able to see that what he wants from your relationship - love, fidelity, trust - can be achieved in much healthier, less controlling ways.

(By the way, each person usually contributes in a dysfunctional relationship like the one you're describing, so it might be good to take a long, hard look at how you're doing this relationship too - it's probably not as neutral as you portray it.

If you do this, take a long look at your behaviour in this relationship, then it will help to share insights into your behaviour at the same time, too.)


Failing that, perhaps you could get some joint counseling.


Or I can highly recommend George Pransky's The Relationship Handbook (available at Amazon).


And if anyone else has wisdom to share - please do so in the comments below!

I wish you well, Liza, in whatever actions you decide to take, and with whatever wisdom comes to you,
Steve



NOTE: I've created a relationships ebook called "Top 10 Relationship Questions... Answered" that aims to help anyone in a romantic relationship - whether it's to start/end a relationship, or to learn how to trust in a relationship, or even how to deal with a controlling relationship.

And the answers in the ebook I provide (based on questions asked in the Relationship Advice Forum) help you find your answers, in your own unique relationships. I recommend it, but then I would say that wouldn't I! Find out more here...

Steve
(Dec 1st, 2015)

 

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