Sharing Costs in Relationship...
I'm looking for relationship advice online regarding money, and what costs are fair to share and what are not. I believe in sharing, but there are limits - aren't there?...
"Relationships Q&A with You, Me and Paula Renaye"
QUESTION: Is My Boyfriend Being Unfair Regards Money?... MORE FROM C...
My boyfriend was at a fancy charity dinner and without discussing it with me, he bid on an item he thought we would both enjoy. He then expected me to pay for half the cost - a few hundred pounds each. (I was not invited to the dinner, I did not know the person who had made up the table and who had invited and paid for my boyfriend to join them.)
Do you think this behaviour is ok?
We do not live together, and we usually take turns to pay for going out - e.g. dinners out, theatre tickets, so we share costs about 50/50.
I was upset that he assumed I would share costs of hundreds of pounds without discussing the idea with me. I also feel that as I was not at the dinner, I missed out on the fun of being there, the atmosphere of the event, and the fun of bidding, so it was not a shared experience. It felt to me that I was subsidising his bid
I was relaxed about him going there without me - that isn't the issue. But I am wondering if I am being unfair or petty. I know he will have thought that we would both enjoy the item he bid on, but I feel upset at his assumption that I would pay up with no discussion.
Ideally I would have liked him to bid on what he liked to and what he could afford. If he couldn't afford the item, I think he should not have bid for it. Or, he should have asked me first if I was ok with spending my money on it.
Apart from anything else, it doesn't seem a very classy or stylish way to treat a woman. Or am I being mean-spirited?
Looking forward to your views.
STEVE'S ANSWER"Assumptions are the termites of relationships."
-- Henry Winkler
There seem to be several issues at play here in your question. Issues like trust, like 'feeling included' (being involved), and like making assumptions.
So I think this is a good time for you to talk to your boyfriend, calmly as you've expressed yourself here, and to tell him how you feel about this 'incident'.
Let him know your feelings, including those that wonder whether you're making a big fuss over nothing, and give him a chance to listen to you, and to respond.
It could well be an opportunity of 'growth' for your relationship; it could also be an opportunity to recognise fundamental differences.For what it's worth
- and I don't particularly like giving specific advice here, or saying who's 'right' and who's 'wrong' - but I pretty much agree with how you've summed things up:
"It felt to me that I was subsidising his bid"
Yep, looks that way to me, too!
I also think you might not be quite as cool about not being invited to the charity gig as you say you are. So talk about that, too.
All of us human beings go around making 'mistakes' from time to time, doing thoughtless things, and the only way we can be 'corrected' from this errant behaviour is via loving, considered feedback like you've tried to share above, C.
So I encourage you to talk lovingly, openly and assertively
to your boyfriend - express your concerns - and see what he has to say.
Thank you so much for sharing, here
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(Dec 1st, 2015)