"Stories" from the Collective (YOU)


Sex and My Boyfriend

by Clare
(Texas, USA)

Clare is frustrated with her new boyfriend (who happens to be blind) - he just doesn't seem interested in having sex with her, despite all her attempts to initiate it. So her relationship question is a simple one...

"Relationships Q&A with You, Me and Paula Renaye"

QUESTION: why doesn't my boyfriend want to have sex with me?


My boyfriend and I have been dating since April now, and he recently moved in with me. Anytime we do anything sexual, I always initiate it, and while I've given him oral gratification and hand jobs, we've only mutually masturbated once. Otherwise, all we do is kiss on the lips and cuddle. I try to French Kiss him and I'm not sure if he even knows how to french, and for some reason I haven't been able to teach him. This is strange to me because he has admittedly had 6 other sexual partners, some in relationships and others as one night stands.

Yet we haven't had sex once and I can't even get him to grope me or anything. I'm not worried about him cheating, as he is blind and still learning the area that we live in, so he never leaves the house unless I practically drag him out of it.

He tells me I'm attractive and that he loves me, but the constant rejection and begging are driving me into depression. When I talk to him about it, he says he isn't used to being sexually pursued, so I completely backed off.... no making out, no fondling, nada. And now its like were just really physically close roommates. Now he is saying that he is just still adjusting to the new situation.

It doesn't help that he used to and sometime still does talk about his last relationship all the time, and how he had sex with her and did such and such for her etc. etc.

I don't doubt he loves me... but I feel like a nymphomaniac around him and I know I'm not. Why does he reject me? Why won't he initiate anything? I'm at my wits end...




Comments for Sex and My Boyfriend

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Paula's Answer Re Sex
by: Paula Renaye

Thank you for writing this deeply intimate question. And because you had the courage to ask it, I know you have the courage-- and are ready--to hear what you need to.

I too know how it feels to want someone to love you--to feel like you are giving everything and feeling such potential for it to come back to you and be something really special if only he'd just do his part.

I also am guessing that you probably would like to hear that if you just hang in there and keep loving harder (and maybe learn a new sexual technique or two) that he'll come around and you'll have what you want. On the flip side, I figure the last thing you probably want to hear is that he's not that into you and is just using you for his own needs so move on.

The first one simply isn't true, of course, and while the second probably is, neither deal with the real issue and both keep you stuck looking for someone else to give you what you can only give yourself.

Now, don't roll your eyes. Those words may have become a bit of a cliché since we hear that sort of thing all the time, but they are words of truth.

Here are some questions to help you home in on what you are trying to get the other person to give you:
  • What do you want from the relationship? (companionship, have a partner to share my life, someone to have sex with, soul connection, emotional security, financial security, etc. Dig deep on this and don't shy away from any unpleasant thoughts that come up--that's where the real value is.)
  • How does this guy give you those things?
  • How does he not?
  • How does he give you the feelings you want? How does he make you feel loved/needed/valued/happy/connect, etc.? How does he not?
These questions can help uncover some fears or beliefs about yourself you didn't realize you had, so keep asking why until you get down to the deepest layers.

Once you understand yourself and your motivations, you'll see how you can get what you want in different ways that honor you. So, here's one last question (and variations) that you can use whenever you're confused about what to do. Just ask yourself:

Would a person with high self-esteem and self-respect do what I'm doing? Thinking what I'm thinking? Tolerate what I'm tolerating?

All the best to you!
Paula

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