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Self-Sabotage
Why are you really hurting yourself like this? That's what
Bill Urell wonders. And his article 'Self-sabotaging and Self-defeating
Behaviors: 8 Tips to Stopping' pulls no punches! And neither do I! I
look at how I have sabotaged my own desire to be in a successful long-term relationship
with somebody special. It's painful reading. (For me, anyway.) The
only person left to take a honest look at themselves is you! Do
you dare?...
Self sabotage - what I say...Oh
boy, what a topic! What a topic indeed! I must be the guru of self-sabotage,
I really must. I know sooo much about my own self-sabotaging behaviours, particularly
when it comes to NOT getting involved in a serious long-term relationship, to
NOT committing to a life-partner! And they say a problem share is a problem
halved, so I've decided to share with you the very latest thinking (Feb 23rd,
2009) on my own self sabotage. It ain't pretty and I ain't proud. But, seeing
as today is the very first day of the rest of my life, and that I believe leopards
can change their spots, I'm actually feeling pretty hunky dory about my prospects.
(And they don't even have to use one of those hypnosis
downloads - though every little helps, I'm sure!) How about you? Please
do share your thoughts, too, on this subject! Okay, firstly Bill Urell's
self sabotage article is a great, quick read. He says it like it is, when it comes
to self-defeating behaviour. For example, Bill says 'every action is taken
for a reason'. And I really do believe that he is right. I really do believe that
whatever mess we're in right now, is a mess that we have 'chosen' to be in
- consciously or subconsciously. (And the good news there
is that as long as we don't resist the
truth being revealed to us, we can
use it to be grow a little more
into our true selves. That's according to
Guy Finley anyway!) So, I've read Bill's article and I'm going to do what
he suggests. I am going to reveal my own self-sabotaging behaviours to do with
my still being single to you. (And, for the record, I am being painfully honest
here in revealing something to the world that I have only just 'discovered'
about myself!) So, my self sabotage question is this: Why
have I 'preferred' to be a 'womanizer' than commit myself
to a loving, caring
long-term relationship with someone special? 1. The payoff? I
think I have 'loved' feeling guilty (about hurting partners, or cheating on them)
and I also 'love' the thought that I am inadequate and 'not good enough' for someone
to be with me for the long-term. 3. My past? I come from a
broken home. My parents separated when I was 5 years old and when I had 2 siblings
(age 4 and 1). My mother (fairly) quickly remarried a man she is still together
with today - a good man, loving and caring - and had a further two more children
with him. Still, I believe that my first 5 years (of which I have no recollection)
may well have been the cause of my need to always have emotional 'options'. I
don't know, to be honest - this is very much a work in progress, right now. What
I do know is that the symptoms of self sabotage do/did exist in me. 6.
First thought wrong? I always - and I mean always - used to accuse
my ex-girlfriends (in my thoughts, at least) of thinking that I was not good enough
for them, in some way. And the shocking truth was that I believed that they
were not good enough for me! I thought they were too 'fat', too emotionally
immature, didn't have enough energy, were too old, or had too many 'problems'
in their life... (See my self-help story for more
ways I self-sabotaged my intimate relationships!) And none of these thoughts
were valid; all were symptomatic of my own self sabotage at play! 8.
Done suffering yet? Yes. Absolutely. And done causing unnecessary pain,
too. I am ready, in the words of Oriah Mountain Dreamer, to shout
"Yes!" to the silver of the moon :-) -- Okay, this is
all well and good - anyone can find a reason to behave badly - but how, exactly,
do we stop self sabotage? Well, recognising an unhealthy behaviour pattern
is the first step in remedying it, I believe. And Bill Urell's article gives
some pointers. See below. And I'm sure professional help via psychotherapy
is useful too. As is challenging yourself to change your behaviour: in my
case, to commit - in sickness and in health. Please know that I do not blame
anyone! But I do want to stop my own self-sabotaging behaviour as I know it has
caused many people (including myself) a lot of pain. I will overcome self
sabotage! And this 'confessional' page helps. :-)
How about you? Do
you have a self-sabotaging story to share? Please do! (And if you think
you don't do the self sabotage thing then please take this self-sabotage
quiz!
Self-sabotaging and Self-defeating Behaviors:
8 Tips to StoppingSelf sabotage - what Bill Urell says...Are
you engaged in self-defeating and self-sabotaging behavior? Do you tend to end
up with a mess when things started out so well? I am a big believer in the idea
that every action we take is done for reason. 1. What is your payoff? What
is it that you really get from self-defeating behaviors and self sabotaging attitudes?
Is it negative attention? A reason to go back to being miserable and avoiding
change? Ask yourself What is REALLY going on here? 2. Avoid situations
that trigger extreme emotional reactions. Most people relapse back into
old destructive patterns because of their inability to handle emotional stress.
Extreme emotional reactions can provoke a drug or alcohol relapse. If you can't
avoid this situation, at least try to get a realistic perspective on it. Ask yourself
How important is it really? 3. Take a look at your past. Just
don't get stuck there. Try to identify where your belief system came from. Once
you have identified where those defeating attitudes came from, let go of them.
It is not a bad thing to look at the past, but not to use it as a predictor of
your present or future behavior. 4. Question your desire to stay in the
role of a victim. Again, in recognizing the past, we're not denying
that bad things have happened to you. Try reclaiming your personal power by reframing
your experiences as a source of strength. Not everyone has gone through what you
have and survived. The process of personal growth is about regaining self empowerment. 5.
Stop blaming people. Being the victim and blaming others, results in
one particular sneaky, self destructive attitude. That is the attitude of not
needing to change. Self improvement is all about change, but, if everything is
always somebody else's fault, why do I need to change? In the victim role, it
is poor me, look what they have done to me, I couldn't stop it from happening.
Therefore, I will be a perpetual victim and take no action. 6. First
thought wrong. Man, do I hate this one. People who have a habit of self
sabotaging have got to come to accept that they are never upset for the reasons
that first come to mind. First thought wrong. Let's examine the underlying issue.
Ask the question of yourself, 'What's really going on here?' Sometimes we will
take those negative thoughts and try to make them come true by doing something
really destructive. We create a self-fulfilling prophesy. 7. We need
to change the thoughts we have about ourselves. Stop the negative self
talk. Start thoroughly and rigorously questioning where your beliefs and perceptions
are coming from. Don't judge yourself as you're doing this, become willing to
let go of those negative thoughts. Put an end to asserting that it is OK to be
wrong. 8. Are you done suffering yet? Just as this question
is a key motivator to move into personal change and regain your self esteem, this
question is a prime motivator to start changing our self-defeating attitudes and
actions. Nothing changes if nothing changes. How much longer are you willing to
keep stepping on your own feet, tripping and falling down? Perhaps it is finally
time to stop the suffering and pain. ----------------------------------------------------
And
now I would like to invite you to instantly access even more complete information
and answers by visiting:
http://AddictionRecoveryBasics.com Thank
You, Bill Urell and the Addiction Recovery Network. Now...
Self
sabotage - what these recommended resources say...Your self sabotage instinct
is a clever and cunning opponent. It requires constant watchfulness and awareness,
and maybe it also requires that you continue learning about it. If so, these recommended
resources should help. They deal with reason - the causes of self sabotage - and
they talk about how to end self sabotage too. Good luck!
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