"Stories" from the Collective (YOU)


Online Cheating!

by D
(U.S.A.)

I don't trust my husband. And every time I check his mobile phone or email, I find out he's making inappropriate contact with random women or with women from his past. But he says it's nothing. What can I do. Oh, by the way, it seems I once cheated on him (I can't remember, I was so drunk)...

"Your Relationship Questions, Your Answers!"

QUESTION: Help, My Husband Is An Online Cheat?


MORE FROM 'D'...

My husband and I have been in our relationship for 6 years.

I have checked his cell phone at various times throughout the relationship, usually as the result of a 'bad feeling', and have always found evidence of some sort of wrong doing:
  • E-mailing women on craigslist,

  • texting women that we do know and trying to strike up sexual conversation,

  • emailing women that he knows that I do not from past relationships

All of this has happened several times, and usually when I check there are about 7 separate things on his phone that I find.

I have confronted him about this on most occasions - a couple times I pretended that I didn't know and I would ask him questions relating to the subject to see if he would fess up to it, which he doesn't, and then let him know what I found and he will then confess, but say that is it.

Recently when I have checked there is absolutely nothing.

I'm assuming he is just getting better at covering his tracks.

I don't know what to do.

We have a 2 year old son that means everything to us. I have been divorced once already and I have a 7 year old from that marriage and she would also be devastated with another divorce.

I have not been an angel - I cheated on him once, apparently while black out drunk in a bar. I do not remember anything about this, the guy I was with claims we did not have sex, but my husband is sure we did and never lets me live it down.

Even after me catching him in this email, sexting thing at least 10 different times.

I'm sick of feeling like I cant trust him - I really don't believe a word out of his mouth.

I find myself resenting him. If the subject ever comes up then he usually gets mad, at me, for ruining his day.

I'm not even sure if he is remorseful. he says he is, but he does not 'act' like he is. What do I do?







STEVE'S ANSWER

"Trust yourself, then you will know how to live."
-- Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

Trust is the word that comes to mind, here. TRUST. You two do not trust each other. Which means it's easy to justify 'low quality behaviour'.

I can see what your husband is doing is harmful to your relationship, I can, but he's not cheated on you.

You can't even remember whether you cheated on him or not. This is not good. (I can imagine him thinking.) It could happen again, couldn't it.


Now I make no judgments here, at all, I simply say that when you believe you have a reason to not trust someone - and you both clearly think that you do - then it's easy to justify behaviour you'd never consider if you both felt committed to your relationship.


Clearly, challenging your husband, or trying to catch him out, isn't working (it's also an unhealthy way to be in a relationship - looking for 'bad things' to happen).


I recommend you both see a third party, some kind of professional counselor, and see if you can get past these unhealthy behavioural habits you've both recently formed.

I can also recommend George Pransky's "The Relationship Handbook". It highlights a somewhat controversial relationship strategy of 1) forgiving and forgetting and 2) focussing on what's good in the relationship and 3) communicating about your grievances (if you must) ONLY from a high state of mind (rather than when you're angry or peeved or frustrated...)


Anyway, I wish you both well.

Steve



NOTE: I've created a relationships ebook called "Top 10 Relationship Questions... Answered" that aims to help anyone in a romantic relationship - whether it's to start/end a relationship, or to learn how to trust in a relationship, or even how to deal with a controlling relationship.

And the answers in the ebook I provide (based on questions asked in the Relationship Advice Forum) help you find your answers, in your own unique relationships. I recommend it, but then I would say that wouldn't I! Find out more here...

Steve
(Dec 1st, 2015)

 

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