My Thoughts About Relationships
by Hanson G
"Healthy" Tension and the Ability to Know When to Let Go
After reading all these stories about relationships, and how to make them "work", it seems a natural human trait to be distracted by all sorts of phenomena in this world. To me, it's all about finding "balance" that needs constant maintainance, for good or for bad. The irony is, once you think you've got it, the next moment it might be gone!
It's like we have all these idealistic notions of how we can construct relationships, but never realizing the impermanency of them from moment to moment. We seem to exhaust a tremendous amount of energy trying to maintain a sense of permanency in our interactions with each other.
Though this may sound like an excuse for not finding solutions in the "inside", I do believe that the extremely high-pace of life we endure contributes a lot to our confusion and "unskillfulness" to really live in the moment and, ideally, be of benefit to others and the world.
I find it often easy to get into meditative states, where everything seems fine and I feel "connected" to the world and my "spirituality" (don't want to sound too "religious"!). It's much harder realizing I have to get off my butt and get involved with the world, for better or for worse. It's the anticipation that this bliss shall also pass.
What I've noticed though, is that I'm getting better at maintaining this "blissful balance" in all of my activities. Without too many expectations of doing that "perfectly" all the time. Especially with my relationships!
I think that quote from Steve is spot-on(*) about how we tend to (want to), or prefer to see, the things that are missing (or in "deficit") in our partners, much less in our general relationships.
I can't really give any advice to people: all I know is that I generally scrutinize very much what people I want to surround myself with, and try to minimize my attachments and "enmeshments" with them, though that may sound like I have "avoidance" issues.
Truth is, I like being alone and establishing "healthy" boundaries with people! My interests and hobbies have a huge priority, and I'm not ashamed to "turn down" some people when they want to approach, or get (intimately) involved with me. I feel that, despite my fears and insecurities around people, I can still determine what kind of interaction seems appropriate or not. That takes skill! But I'm learning to "hone" them better, or at least I have the ambition to do so!
Maybe some of this might be of benefit to some, esp. for "introvertive" types? Thanks for letting me share.
* STEVE NOTE:
This story was originally added as a comment to a this relationsihp question. And the relationship quote Hanson refers to is this one...
"Problems in relationship occur because each person is concentrating on what is missing in the other person."
-- Wayne Dyer