My Low Self Esteem Signs
My low self esteem symptoms look like something like this...
At work I struggle to focus and I'm really hard on myself if I don't reach all of my goals for the day. I'm very hard on myself and punish myself for being so unproductive.
I'm irritable and yell at my dog a lot just because she demands my attention when I'm trying to rest at home.
At work there are some women who are going through menopause and are very moody and it takes all I have to ignore their pessimism and negativity in order to stay in a good mood. It's really hard to separate myself from that kind of terrible attitude they express at work, including the drama they choose to create. They end up making me feel like I'm the guilty one for not bending into their need to create drama and conforming to their frame of mind. On top of that, I'm trying to focus to get my work done and at the end of the day am punishing myself for not being sympathetic to their needs (are they genuine?) and not getting all my work done.
Still, I'm always wonderful to our clients who come in and they are a pleasant breath of fresh air sometimes, as they are coming from outside and bringing in conversation to distract me from all the chaos inside the walls of my job.
The women I work with are manipulators and have learned how to be that way from having to deal with people throughout their lifetime probably, in order to feel better about themselves. Sometimes I even say to myself at the end of a long day of this that they are just jealous of me in some way. One of the women told me to try not to constantly say I'm sorry for things because it shows a sign of low self-esteem. She is very often patronizing toward me.
I can't trust anyone with my ideas or words, as this is a small town and gossip flies generously. I don't trust people in general because I know what they are capable of. I do anticipate things and plan ahead for everything in my life because I want to be prepared for everything and don't want to be surprised by something.
I have a mild case of OCD and punish myself for that by pulling out my hair and hitting my head until it hurts with the heal of my hand. I've never told anyone this before.
I have very high, almost unrealistic expectations for people and get very disappointed when people don't go by the book like I do at work, when they dictate to me what has to be done and then they don't follow the book themselves. Why are people like that? If they could be more disciplined like I am sometimes I think the work day would go smoother. But then, I feel guilty for thinking like that? I do feel guilty...but I still that think they are jealous.