My Low Self Esteem Signs
There are no low self-esteem signs as such in R's story that follows, rather what happens when you have low self esteem (and a clue to where low self esteem quite often comes from) - Steve...
My parents were disappointed that I was female and they didn't let me forget it!
At 15, several of my O-level results went 'missing' and the few that I got were bizarre to say the least. As an example, I could draw pretty well, and fine art did not have a theory paper - you just drew what was placed in front of you. I got a flat F in that and I concluded that couldn't possibly be my result and that it must be have been a mix-up (happens all the time in this part of Africa).
Anyway, my Dad let me have it! It was like some dam burst, and I got this vitriolic tongue-lashing that lasted almost a year! My mother, anxious to keep her marriage at whatever cost pretended nothing was amiss. So I grew isolated and distrustful and extremely bitter because I suffered through no fault of mine and no one wanted to understand.
Because I also had a very strict regimented and rigid upbringing, I wasn't really allowed to go visiting friends and so I had no-one to share my thoughts with; I had to manage my ill feelings as I best could.
My degree programme was chosen by my Dad, so I'm a doctor today not by choice but by coercion and I hate that.
University was hard for me for several reasons - I wasn't street-wise enough, I had too much baggage and self doubt, and had several difficulties with the program because I hated it and hated my school. And by the time I finished I felt too old and jaded to go start another degree program.
I have gone a step further and gotten a post-grad degree in radiology, but I still don't feel fulfilled as I live in an ostentatious and frivolous city where you're judged by your car, clothes, shoes and the part of town you live, and doctors aren't that well-paid.
So for me its a double jeopardy - I studied such a time-consuming course that I didn't like and felt helpless to change, and I'm now underpaid while those who studied next to nothing at their leisure are strutting around with the best jobs and making others feel impotent. It stinks.