My Girl-friend's One-Night Stand!...
My girlfriend had 'sexual relations' with a friend of mine, 6 months before we met. And, hard as I try, I just can't stop thinking about it. It riles me up, and is the source of much fighting with me and my girlfriend. What can I do?...
"Your Relationship Questions, Your Answers!"
QUESTION: Getting over past one night stand of girlfriend?MORE FROM John...
I am dating a girl I very much enjoy being around and want to be with. My problem: she had a one-night stand
(without getting into details, basically everything except sex) with one of my best friends about 6 months before we met. We didn't know each other at the time but it's really bothering me.
For one, the mental image is obviously disturbing and has made things quite awkward between my friend and I.
Secondly, I am just not sure I want to be with someone that does this. She claims it is not something that happens often but the evidence does not look great.
Any time I bring it up it inevitably leads to a big fight and does not help either of us.
Is there any way to get over this?
I found out around two months ago and still think about it constantly. I don't think I can continue with it on my mind this much...
STEVE'S ANSWER"The past has no power over the present moment."
-- Eckhart Tolle
There are oh so many ways I could respond to your question, John, there really are.
- I could share forgiveness quotations with you
- I could talk about how the past doesn't exist, just the present moment a la Eckart Tolle - he's right, by the way. Just sayin'!
- I could even tell you how much I feel for ya, how much I've been there - thinking about what my girlfriend has done in her past! (Watch Chasing Amy for the folly of that particular stream of thinking.)
Instead, I'm just going to highlight several sections of what you share, as they reveal both the problem and solution for you..."...the mental image is obviously disturbing.""Any time I bring it up it inevitably leads to a big fight.""I don't think I can continue with it on my mind this much."
Do you see, how it's YOUR THINKING that is the CAUSE OF THE PROBLEMS (and not the situation you're thinking about) - you only feel bad when you think *those* thoughts about what she and your friend got up to.
And, simple as you like, if you stop thinking about something that really wasn't about you at the time, and just start enjoying this woman who wants to be with you, then your life really will be sweet.
And when you catch yourself thinking those 'ugly' thoughts, again, just let them pass through you - don't pay them no nevermind!
As for this comment, "I am just not sure I want to be with someone that does this."
Well, only you can know the truth of that statement. I'd just encourage you to understand that we ALL have a past, and none of us is perfect, and maybe you really did ought to watch the film Chasing Amy
For me, if I were you, this is what I'd do...
- TRUST that this woman is into you. (She is, isn't she?) BE with her, in the moment. Enjoy! (And ignore the past. It never helps to continually go back there, whatever you think, it just doesn't.)
And if you can't do that, then please know that this is about your relationship with your fears
rather than anything that this woman did in the past. (Meaning: Take responsibility for how you feel! No-one can make you feel anything - all feelings are self-generated, believe it or not!)
Thank you, man, for sharing yourself and your fears so vulnerably here.
And I hope what I share makes even just a little sense to you.
PS By the way, this type of transformative 'solution lies within the problem' approach is very much part of the work that I do. I'm a transformative coach, and you can find details of my coaching practice here! http://www.SMNash.com