My Girlfriend Dilemma
I no longer find my girlfriend attractive. I used to but she's started to eat badly and not exercise. She's not fat, but she's not skinny either and the lust has gone. What do I do?...
"Relationships Q&A with You, Me and Paula Renaye"
QUESTION: Not Finding Girlfriend Attractive Any More...What Should I Do?... MORE FROM Anon...
Before I start, please understand that I am not a bad person, even though this question is going to make me seem like a superficial tw*t. But I treat my girlfriend with respect and love her to bits.
When we started going out about 3 years ago, she was very attractive... she always made an effort and she was athletic and skinny, which I have always loved. Since a few years ago
when I got sick of my acne, I started eating healthily and since then I have become much slimmer
and completely got rid of my acne, but I have also got into a bit of a bad habit of sort of over-healthy eating.
I'm fine with it (eating healthily doesn't make me miserable and it means I can treat myself sometimes without guilt), but it has meant that I eventually started going on at her when she eats badly. Sometimes we had little fallouts over it (nothing big) and I always said that I only do it because I don't want her to lose her perfect figure and she would tell me that she's not going to, she's naturally skinny.
After realising she was right and that I had been obsessing over it a bit (hard to do especially as I'm quite stubborn), and since we've been at university, I've stopped going on at her. But she's started eating more
, more often, and worse. She's also been doing almost no exercise, and she used to do a lot of running. At first I thought nothing would happen, but recently she's started putting weight on. She's not fat
, but I have this massive burden of a physical preference, which is that I only like skinny women
(sounds weird, I know), and I hate to say it but she isn't that any more.
Now I still love her just the same, but she's started getting upset recently that I'm not showing her as much physical attention any more
, which I've realised is true. I haven't been purposely showing her less attention, and since she's been getting upset about it I've been trying to show her more, but I just can't force myself to do it... That's not the point in sex and that anyway, I can't fake liking her body as much as I used to.
I feel so bad about all this, I don't want this physical preference, but I simply don't find her body very attractive any more. She blames it on me, which I can't blame her for, but the way I see it, I'm in an impossible position so I don't know what to do.
Sorry for the massive message. Any advice at all would be so much appreciated, but please don't hate. Thanks!...
STEVE'S ANSWER"When you struggle with your partner, you are struggling with yourself. Every fault you see in them touches a denied weakness in yourself."
-- Deepak Chopra
It's clear that you think it's a 'bad' thing to admit to not finding your partner attractive - it isn't. And even if it means what you think it means (that you're shallow), it's still fantastic that you're able to recognise what's going on for you right now, able to share this with others.
So please don't hide away from uncomfortable feelings that you're experiencing - for that way lies ruin, that way lies the truth coming out sooner or later causing lots of unnecessary pain.
That being said, the issues seem to be these:
- You don't find your girlfriend attractive, anymore
- You feel bad about this, but also don't feel you can force her to look how you want her to (and you're right, you can't)
- You want to do the right thing by her, AND by you
In short, you want to square the circle, and you're not sure how to do that.
Well, this is one of those difficult times in your life that whatever decision you make is going to be the wrong one
, from one perspective or other.
All I can suggest is that you express how you see things with your girlfriend, as lovingly and non-judgementally as you can. Perhaps she can change her eating and exercise habits, or perhaps she will see this as you not loving her?
After that, it's really up to you (and her). You have to live with the decision, make it work. Just be kind to yourself whatever you decide, and whatever she decides - you're both doing your best right now, okay!
NOTE: I've created a relationships ebook called "Top 10 Relationship Questions... Answered" that aims to help anyone in a romantic relationship - whether it's to start/end a relationship, or to learn how to trust in a relationship, or even how to deal with a controlling relationship.
And the answers in the ebook I provide (based on questions asked in the Relationship Advice Forum) help you find your answers, in your own unique relationships. I recommend it, but then I would say that wouldn't I! Find out more here...
(Dec 1st, 2015)