My Cheating Girlfriend!
(Belleville, Ontario, Canada)
My long-distance girlfriend cheated on me with an in-law. And she'd do it again if we weren't together. Trouble is, they live with each other right now, and I feel dreadful about it all, and not sure what to do...
"Relationships Q&A with You, Me and Paula Renaye"
QUESTION: Long distance GF cheated with in-law... MORE FROM DLG...
We weren't always long distance: we're from the same town, but she had to move for school. She moved in with her cousin and his family. We were apart for a couple years, see each other for 3 months over summer and 1 month over winter. Used to fool around on the computer and what have you, but living with her cousin and his family leaves us little privacy.
Recently her cousin's brother-in-law (Her cousin-in-law) showed up out of the army and couch surfed. The cousin and his family left for a while. My girlfriend and the brother drank, slept together and she told me right away the next day.
We talked, she said that they both determined what they did was disrespectful to me, and they have no feelings for each other. We decided to see if we could work through it, but I made the stupid question of asking if we broke up if she would sleep with him again.
We both agreed to full honesty and she said yes.
They're still in the same house until part way through the summer, and they're alone together for another month until the rest of the family gets back. They still talk casually, watch TV together, eat meals together like nothing happened.
I should never have asked that, but I did and now I feel worse than ever, even after coming so far with our talks.
Any advice on how to feel less ty?
I mean I feel crappy, but we both still (say at least) we love each other and want to work through it. But she says the two of them aren't awkward and she doesn't associate any negative status with him. She's very detached from the act, and seems to say she regrets hurting me, but not the actual action she did because she doesn't attach emotions to sex with people she doesn't have feelings for
She also talks about how the wife of her cousin would be upset because it's her brother, but not the rest of her family, and if the cousin found out she could just live with other family members who wouldn't see it 'as a big deal'.
I feel like she doesn't see the action, which is the core of our problem, as a bad thing, but just how I felt after she did it and I worry that she'd only be committed because she'd be afraid to hurt me and if I didn't care, she'd do it again. I talked to her about this, and she says she loves me and she's with me because she wants to be, but it's not really the complete answer I feel like I need.What can I ask her to really know why she's with me?
It sucks to think about breaking up and even though she's in another country I do really enjoy the fact that we're 'together'. I do think that if she just can't actually care about what she did and her feelings of sadness and regret are all based around *my* reaction, we're not right for each other.I mean I need her to want to be loyal and committed
because it's what she wants, not because she doesn't want to deal with the unpleasantness of the aftermath of cheating, you know? Because that's very close to the 'what he doesn't know won't hurt him' mentality.
STEVE'S ANSWER:"People who are brutally honest get more satisfaction out of the brutality than out of the honesty."
-- Richard Needham
I must admit I'm somewhat at a loss how to respond to your predicament, DLG, so and the inspirational quote I've chosen (above) may not be that appropriate.
I think it boils down to this: do you want a relationship with a woman who doesn't think that cheating is a bad thing?
(Whether it is a bad thing or not is irrelevant, really. It only matters that the two of you have the same view of it, really, I suggest.)
So what should you do? What does your heart tell you to do? Are you prepared to break up with this woman over this infidelity she cares little about? Or will you give her another chance (to possibly cheat on you again)?
Breaking up is going to be hard, I'm sure, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't break up.
It looks like you see this important issue differently, don't you think?...
PS DLG, I'm not sure what 'ty' means above. Is it a spelling mistake, or am I being a little slow-witted today?
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(Dec 1st, 2015)