"Stories" from the Collective (YOU)


My Boyfriend's Ex...

by Stacey
(Australia)

I'm in a relationship with a great guy. I don't think I could ask for more, actually, apart from the fact that he keeps on talking about his ex, and I'd like him to stop doing it...

"Relationships Q&A with You, Me and Paula Renaye"

QUESTION: Is My Boyfriend Talking About His Ex Too Much?...


MORE FROM Stacey...

Why does my boyfriend bring up his ex so much in our conversations? They broke up over a year ago now.

He knows he shouldn't be doing it. And he often starts a conversation with "I know I shouldn't be talking about this..."), but he still does.

We've been together 7 months. They were together 2 years (but knew each other longer). She was a lot older than him & they had to keep their relationship a secret.

He's told me that he loves the normalcy of our relationship... we've done so much normal stuff that he & she couldn't...
  • He's always showing me affection, both in private & in public.

  • He has introduced me to the important people in his life - both his family & friends.

  • We go to parties together & hang out with friends.

  • We've got an ever growing bucket list, which we are ticking things off.

  • He sends me good morning & good night texts, plus up to 50 texts a day if we're not together.

  • He writes sweet posts on my Facebook wall for everyone to see.

...I don't boss him around nor do I expect him to put me up on a pedestal... like she did. He had to change for her, become someone he wasn't.

When we got together, the old him started to return, which is why he's now reunited with his friends & socializing more.

She cut him off from the things he loved doing. She let him fall in love with her, even though she knew it was never going to work out in the long-run. She was the one who sent him a text message saying "It's over. It's too hard." And broke his heart in the process.

We got together about 5 months after their break up & met through a mutual friend.

He often tells me that he talks about her to PROVE to himself that he IS over her. Is this possible?







STEVE'S ANSWER

"Never idealize others. They will never live up to your expectations. Don't over-analyse your relationships. Stop playing games. A growing relationship can only be nurtured by genuineness."
-- Leo F. Buscaglia

I also think it's important to not idealise yourself, or demonise others.

I once met a woman who couldn't understand why men didn't want to be in a relationship with her. She was 'perfect' after all and didn't bust their balls like so many other women did (etc.). Unfortunately, she was telling herself a fantasy story, can you guess. She had relationship issues just like the rest of us - serious 'Daddy' issues, if truth be told - but not being aware of her issues was her biggest issue!


So, Stacey, why does it bother you that he keeps talking about his ex? The way you describe this man, he's near damn perfect and yet, yet you're still not satisfied.

The one part of what you say above really stood out for me.
"I don't boss him around nor do I expect him to put me up on a pedestal..."
It made me think how similar you were to this other woman, how much you DO these things without knowing maybe. (Just a thought, and I may be wrong, but it was the first thought that came to me when I read those words of yours.)

So here's something you can perhaps ought to consider:
If he can not be himself with one woman, he can not be himself with another (i.e. you)
Yes, this man is so much more relaxed than he seemed to be with this 'bad', older woman (that broke his heart), but maybe just maybe he's also not being his true self with you.

So my polite suggestion is that you have an honest and open discussion about your relationship, about what's good and what's bad about it - and you BOTH get to speak, here, not just you. So ask him why he keeps talking about his ex. Tell him how it makes you feel. Tell him all the great things you like about him too. And get him to share likewise.

Assuming everything is perfect for him now he's met you is perhaps a mistake...

Steve


NOTE: I've created a relationships ebook called "Top 10 Relationship Questions... Answered" that aims to help anyone in a romantic relationship - whether it's to start/end a relationship, or to learn how to trust in a relationship, or even how to deal with a controlling relationship.

And the answers in the ebook I provide (based on questions asked in the Relationship Advice Forum) help you find your answers, in your own unique relationships. I recommend it, but then I would say that wouldn't I! Find out more here...

Steve
(Dec 1st, 2015)

 

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