Me, Him, Her... and Her Boyfriend
by Jojo, USA
(New York )
I had a baby with my boyfriend when I was 15. At the same time he cheated on me with another woman, who also had his baby. Now we're still together, and I kind of forgive him and kind of don't. Well, recently, I got my revenge by sleeping with this other woman's current boyfriend, but now I feel bad. This is sooo messy, what do I do?...
"Relationships Q&A with You, Me and Paula Renaye"
QUESTION: I really need someone to help me out...
My story is very very long so I hope you guys have the patience to read this.
When I was 15 I got pregnant with my son and I loved my boyfriend very much but he cheated on me while I was pregnant. He was also young about 17. No one knew I was pregnant and I really went through my pregnancy completely alone.
It was very difficult but with the support of my family I got through it.
Anyhow the girl that my boyfriend cheated on got pregnant
. So my son and her son are maybe a year apart. With time I forgave him because I loved him.
Now that I'm older, I'm 26, we still are together after several years on and off. I can honestly say I feel like I haven't forgiven him
for what he did to me earlier on, or forgiven her. She was very malicious when we got back together and wanted to break us up. I moved in with him and she used to call the house saying he was still with her and calling me stupid for being with him.
Another thing when she first got pregnant she didn't know who the father of her daughter was so I didn't think my boyfriend was the father until they did a DNA test and it was his. He lied to me when he found out that it was his daughter. I chose to believe him and so I got back together with him. After years he's completely changed and has become a good man to me
and my son. He does pay child support for his daughter but doesn't see her. And sometimes I wonder when we argue: I ask myself is this what I deserve?
Yes he's changed now but after years and years of me suffering. When he cheated on me he destroyed my self esteem
and I can't and don't trust people.
Even though time has passed that naive girl that I was once is nowhere to he found. Now I consider myself strong
but in reality just scared
to get hurt again.
I also felt really stupid for staying with him after all he put me through.
In the back of my head I always wanted to get back at him and her
but never actually did anything until... a year ago. The girl that my boyfriend played me with was now with another guy and crazy how that guy she's with now used to always wanted to date me when we were younger.
So, I saw this other man once at a friend's party house and well needless to say we both got drunk and had sex
- we are now having an affair.
I do feel guilty but I just don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know if it's the thrill or I really like him? I honesty dont know. I do have strong feelings for him and can't seem to break it off. I was only with my baby father my whole life and being with him it's just different and new.
I'm so confused and it's killing me because I don't want to live another life. I just want to be happy and it's seems I can't never be that. Please any advice is helpful. Thank you.
STEVE'S ANSWER"Live so that when your children think of fairness and integrity, they think of you."
-- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
How easy it is to forgive ourselves when we make mistakes, but how hard it is to forgive someone else when they do.
How easy it is to justify behaving badly.
How easy it is to lose oneself, to find oneself in the messiest of situations where everyone gets hurt!
What strikes me, Jojo, is how necessary it is for you to forgive your boyfriend for what he foolishly did when he was 17 years old. Perhaps you could forgive this other woman that he cheated with, as she also made a mistake by being malicious with you once the boyfriend returned to you (and left her). But most importantly perhaps you could forgive yourself for getting yourself in the situation in the first place, and for now cheating on your boyfriend.
Two wrongs NEVER make a right. This situation is ONLY going to right itself when the people concerned - including you - start behaving as well as they can, rather than as badly as they can:
- Decide who you want to be with, and be with that person - even if it's no-one, for now.
- Treat people how you'd like to be treated rather than how you think they've once treated you.
- Be an example to your children, and to yourself... You will start to feel good about yourself when you do.
Thank you for sharing this difficult tale with us, and I do hope that others will offer their guidance too
NOTE: I've created a relationships ebook called "Top 10 Relationship Questions... Answered" that aims to help anyone in a romantic relationship - whether it's to start/end a relationship, or to learn how to trust in a relationship, or even how to deal with a controlling relationship.
And the answers in the ebook I provide (based on questions asked in the Relationship Advice Forum) help you find your answers, in your own unique relationships. I recommend it, but then I would say that wouldn't I! Find out more here...
(Dec 1st, 2015)