Stories from the Collective...

Is My Boyfriend Lying?

by Linda R
(Menifee, CA, USA)

I'm looking for some online relationship advice, and my relationship question is about trust. Specifically, it's about my boyfriend and whether he's telling the truth about the time I found him in bed with another woman...

"Relationships Q&A with You, Me and Paula Renaye"

QUESTION: Is my boyfriend lying to me... ?

MORE FROM LINDA...

Could my boyfriend be telling me the truth? What would most women believe?

I surprised my then-boyfriend (at that time, we were seeing each other) in the arms of another woman, naked in bed, when I went over to his apartment in the morning before heading off to work.

He told me that nothing happened between them sexually or intimately. He told me that she came over to his apartment to help him pack to move into another unit and they were so tired that he allowed her to sleep over, even though she lived in the same complex.

He gets upset that I have a hard time believing him and that it insinuates that he is a liar.

Any advice please?

Linda R

Comments for
Is My Boyfriend Lying?

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Lying, Trust and Guys Who Can Make You Crazy
by: Paula Renaye

Sandy wrote some great stuff and it is about trust--and is this the kind of relationship you really want?

I can't remember if it was a movie or sitcom, but Tina Fey's character wound up on a talk show stage giving out advice to a woman in the audience who was explaining a similar situation. Tina Fey told her what she has was a sexually transmitted disease called Crazy Mind. I love it.

Being with someone who makes you doubt your own feelings and instincts--tells you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling or thinking what you're thinking, and that his version of reality is the right one--will make you insane. Ask me how I know!

Seriously, if it feels like something is wrong, IT IS. Do not question yourself and do not doubt it. I know what it feels like to be lied to. And sometimes, it was about stupid stuff that didn't matter. But liars lie--it's just their way.

We want so badly for things to work out that we want to believe, but ultimately--and here's some tough love coming--if we had self-respect we wouldn't tolerate that kind of behavior for even half a second.

When I finally got out of my rebound relationship with a man I couldn't trust, I looked back on the things I did and the excuses I made for him and realized that if I"d had a shred of self-respect I wouldn't have done it. Someone with high self-esteem and self-respect would never have done what I did--tolerated what I tolerated.

Have to throw in a mini-commercial here because I would love for you to read my story and hopefully have it save you a lot of the drawn-out drama I put myself through. It's all in The Hardline Self Help Handbook--details on my website with a ton of free articles and other things. (http://hardlineselfhelp.com)

Please hear me on this: you deserve better. There ARE men out there who don't lie and can be trusted.

For years and years I felt like I lived my life balancing on the edge of a razor blade, worrying about what I was doing wrong and what I could do to keep him from doing things that would be hurtful to me. I did it with my husband and Rebound Guy who came after him. It is a horrible way to live. And it doesn't have to be that way.

You will not believe what a relief that is, to not have to worry and wonder what your partner is up to when you don't have your eyes on him--or sometimes even when you do. You can relax and just enjoy yourself. It also frees up time and energy to do productive things that feed your individual soul.

So, start demanding respect from yourself first and you'll be surprised how once you do that you won't allow others to treat you otherwise either.

All the best!
Paula Renaye
PS: I would love to hear your success story!

In My Opinion
by: sandy

I would be concerned if that happened. You see it is not about whether he had sex or not, but it is about trust between you two and his apparent emotional attachment to the other woman.

The answer lies in you: Are you in doubt about trusting him? Is it ok with you if a woman comes over and sleeps in a bed with him naked? is sleeping with him in the same bed a behavior which is acceptable to you? would you yourself sleep with someone who was a friend? Do you believe him?

If there is doubt then your next issue is what are you two willing to do to resolve this? do you want to save this relationship ? does he want to save this relationship? are you both willing to do what is necessary to save this relationship? would you both agree to counseling?

In my opinion, you would need therapeutic intervention(counseling of some sorts) to deal with the issue of "trust". Is it worth it to you? Is it worth it to him?

This is not about just finding an answer to if they had sex. This is deeper than that. This affects your self esteem and belief in him. Does he seem to get this? If not, what is he willing to do to get it?

Lots of questions...ask yourself if you want this relationship to work. What does a "relationship" mean to you? Is it in your value system for you or him to sleeep in the same bed with others?

It's up to both of you. Whatever happens both of you need to be engaged in the process.

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