"Stories" from the Collective (YOU)


Get My Ex Back?...

by Lachlan
(Melbourne, Australia)

I'm after some classic relationship advice online - I want to get my ex back. I've got cancer and the worry of not seeing her is affecting my health...

"Your Relationship Questions, Your Answers!"

QUESTION: How Do I Get My Ex back?


MORE FROM Lachlan...

I'm a 28 years old cancer patient (Non Hodgkins Lymphoma) and now recently single.

I don't enjoy my job but it pays me very well for what I do.

My now ex girlfriend lives in Queensland, and hasn't spoken to me for 6 weeks, and I feel like I'm getting worse with my physical & mental health the longer she goes without talking to me.

How do I get her back?

I have not actually done anything wrong, and neither has she, but I'm miserable...







STEVE'S ANSWER

"Troubles are a lot like people - they grow bigger if you nurse them."
-- Anon

Sounds to me like you have quite a lot on your mind right now, Lachlan.

Not only do you have your cancer to be concerned about, but you also have the end of a relationship to deal with too.

And it strikes me that these two situations need to be considered separately, at least for the sake of your health.

Situation 1) How to get your ex back? Well you don't really say why you broke up in the first place. But it might have something to do with your cancer - from her point of view, or from yours - or it might just be because human beings seem to make romantic relationships difficult for oh so many reasons...

My advice: try and find a place of calm, some quiet time, where you can ponder over what the issues were in your relationship (from both perspectives, if at all possible, rather than just yours); try and understand why you're no longer together.

CLUES: breaking up usually stems from some kind of misunderstanding, from some kind of wanting to control (out of ignorance), from not really listening to the other.

It usually stems from wanting openness and vulnerability in the other before being prepared to be open and vulnerable yourself. (A la fear of rejection.)

It's pretty much a guarantee that one or both of you listen to your fearful thinking much more than your loving thoughts


Then, when you have some kind of clarity over your relationship, and you've been really honest with yourself about whether you ought to continue this relationship (and what significance your cancer might be), speak to your ex. (from the heart) and share what you've discovered with her.

Note: it's important that she listens to you when you speak to her like this, AND it's important that you listen to her when she replies.

Any kind of defensive reaction is not going to help anyone, no matter how tempting for either party.


This would be doing your best, and that's all you can do - no guarantees that the relationship will go the way you want it to.


Situation 2) How to deal with your cancer? Well, I am most certainly not medically trained or qualified to give you any kind of advice regards this, sorry. All I can say is, if at all possible, try not to worry, worry, worry about your cancer, and what may or may not happen - this WILL NOT HELP!

(Worrying never helps in any situation. It feels like it does, so that's why we do it. Fact is, there are no medical studies anywhere that proves that even a second of worrying is worthwhile!)


I wish you well, Lachlan, and strength and courage - for you will need these qualities (that are within you) for both situations you're trying to wrestle with, right now.


Thank you for sharing your difficult situation with us here, at Self Help Collective.

Steve

Anyone else want to offer words of encouragement?...



NOTE: I've created a relationships ebook called "Top 10 Relationship Questions... Answered" that aims to help anyone in a romantic relationship - whether it's to start/end a relationship, or to learn how to trust in a relationship, or even how to deal with a controlling relationship.

And the answers in the ebook I provide (based on questions asked in the Relationship Advice Forum) help you find your answers, in your own unique relationships. I recommend it, but then I would say that wouldn't I! Find out more here...

Steve
(Dec 1st, 2015)

 

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