Desperately Seeking Attention, and Approval
A lot of people who know me would indeed consider me to be a very confident, outgoing person.
I can socialise with others, mix and hold my own conversation - but it is almost done in a 'performance'-like manner.
I do not have a regular group of friends of my own - instead I go out with my boyfriend once in a while and socialise with his friends. But it is a rare event and so gives me time to make sure I am in good form for a strong performance!
Make me 'socialise' spontaneously and I would struggle. As I get older I am also finding it hard to maintain performances and often feel I am losing my sanity as a consequence, resorting to irrational behavior.
If my audience does not respond to me, I clam up and want to disappear and I will often go and seek other things to do to get away from the situation or just decide to leave altogether.
For more attention, I have been known to just walk off and have everyone wonder where - it's like I am causing a sense of emergency. Sometimes I like to push things so far to cause others to change their emotional state so that I end up appearing to be the one that is calm and in control.
I am aware that my actions are not 'normal' and really want to get my levels of self esteem right so that I can contribute in society effectively and also prevent there being any further strain on my relationship (which is starting to show).