"Stories" from the Collective (YOU)


Can I Trust Him?...

by S
(California, USA)

I've got trust issues, due to stuff that happened in the past. So, because of something my (very loving) boyfriend nearly did a while back with a woman he once used to like, I now don't trust him. Am I right?...

"Your Relationship Questions, Your Answers!"

QUESTION: Can I Trust My Boyfriend?


MORE FROM 'S'...

Can I trust my boyfriend? I have trust issues stemming from childhood (parental divorce, alcoholic parent, stressed out parent, etc). I've improved in the trust department, but still have a long ways to go.

So this is the story...

I live with my boyfriend of 2.5 years. He verbally, and with actions, demonstrates his love and commitment to me.

But.......the thorn in my side is the incident a year ago when he was going to meet up for lunch with a woman he had pursued in the past. I found out the lunch was going to go down by snooping in his cell phone. (I know, I need to address that intrusive and hurtful behavior.)

Through snooping in his cell phone texts, and then also emails and gchats, I found out that this was the friend he had briefly mentioned recently to me (at that time a year ago) who was a social and environmental activist.

At first I didn't tell him I snooped and found out some info about her and their history ( they went on one date, she decided to decline any subsequent dates, they remained email and gchat buddies off and on...

I even found a gchat my boyfriend had with a friend in which he asked for advice about this woman because he was interested in her but she wasn't in him but now she is getting back in contact with him...btw, that gchat was before we were together), but instead I asked my boyfriend for her telephone number so I can get more involved (I was unemployed at the time and wanted to do some volunteering).


So, my boyfriend responded to my request for her telephone number by saying that he was going to go to lunch with her and he'll give me her phone number after the lunch. I felt hurt, angry, and suspicious that he wouldn't just give me her phone number.

I revealed what I found out while snooping. He responded that, yes, they went on a date, but they BOTH decided not to continue dating (my readings of his emails and chats indicate otherwise). One thing he said, that he immediately retracted because he said he just didn't know what to say and was upset about me confronting him over the phone about this while he was at work, is that he answered yes to my question regarding if he didn't want to give me her phone number cause she might still have feelings for him.

He later clarified that he didn't tell me about the lunch in the first place because he thought i would be unreasonably jealous give he had originally met her on match.com, and that it was a mistake not to tell me. Immediately, he stopped all communications with this woman.


Nothing similar has happened since and he continues to be a loving boyfriend. But this has shaken me to my wounded, abandonment-fearing core. Am I the one who needs to work on my issues? Or is his behavior unacceptable? I'm just confused...help!...







STEVE'S ANSWER

"Trust yourself, then you will know how to live."
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

When I read your relationship question all I can think of is how much you don't trust this man, and how much you have snooped on him.

Whether your boyfriend is trustworthy or not, this is no way to behave in a relationship!

Is your boyfriend perfect? No. Could he have handled things better? Yes. Does this quote from the bible come to my mind as I read your question? Yes.

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?"
-- Matthew 7:3


Anyway, let me talk about trust here, what trust is really about...

Trust is not something you do because you're guaranteed not to get hurt!

Trust is something you do because it's a form of love - it's the ultimate act of trusting yourself - and when you trust in others, trust in life, then life becomes MORE!

Yes, you do not trust yourself right now, trust that all will be well with you no matter what others do. And because you, like the vast majority of people on this planet (I'm not pointing fingers here), do not trust yourself you find it hard to trust others.

You need to look for evidence that your trust is well placed.

That's not how trust works, sorry.

Ultimately, though, you must learn to trust yourself - to deeply trust yourself, to realise that your happiness relies solely on you, and on no other.

Some have hurt you in the past, others will hurt you in the future - this is life. We get hurt, whilst we live. But any other kind of 'safe' living just wouldn't be living.

This is my answer to your question, 'S' - learn to trust yourself. For you are worthy of your own love and trust

Love to you,
Steve

PS A resource that WILL (if you let it) help you trust yourself more, is Michael Neill's Supercoach website. Subscribe to his newsletter, listen to his radio show, and... you will see... your trust growing!



NOTE: I've created a relationships ebook called "Top 10 Relationship Questions... Answered" that aims to help anyone in a romantic relationship - whether it's to start/end a relationship, or to learn how to trust in a relationship, or even how to deal with a controlling relationship.

And the answers in the ebook I provide (based on questions asked in the Relationship Advice Forum) help you find your answers, in your own unique relationships. I recommend it, but then I would say that wouldn't I! Find out more here...

Steve
(Dec 1st, 2015)

 

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