Am I Being Childish?
My partner's ex-wife ignores me, never invites me to shared social events or anything. This is fine, but now she wants to drive my partner to the airport which I have a real problem with. My partner thinks I'm being childish. Am I?
"Relationships Q&A with You, Me and Paula Renaye"
QUESTION: What To Do About My Partner's Ex-Wife?... MORE FROM Lisa...
Hi, my name is Lisa. I have been living with (and been engaged to) my partner for 5 years now.
This is our second time around, we are both divorced. My ex and I do not communicate at all. My partner's ex phoned him all the time, however, in the beginning - they would argue and argue for 2 or 3 hours over the phone.. They have an 18 year old daughter together. They have not really communicated too much in the last year, only when necessary. And his ex deliberately left me out of their daughter graduation
, and only got tickets for herself, my partner and his mother.
She acts like I don't exist at all.
This is my issue. Anyway, my partner was going on a business trip, and his daughter usually takes him to the airport, because she uses his car when he is away. This time she called and said she couldn't drive him because she was working, but her mother, (his ex-wife) would drive him to the airport. He seems rather thrilled that his ex-wife would do that for him
. He knew I would have an issue with this, though. His ex wife has tried on many occasions to have dinner with my partner and their daughter like a family. He has never gone, and she blamed me, for that is said it was my insecurities that stopped him from going, which was not true, it was his decision only.
So I expressed my views on her driving him to the airport, and I said I was very uncomfortable for her to drive him
. I couldn't drive him either, because I was working also. I offered to pay for a cab to the airport, which is about $140. and an hours drive away. I offered this just to avoid any complications with us, and because I was so uncomfortable with her driving him.
He decided to let her drive him, after I pleaded with him not to do this, which of course ended up in an argument, and he left without saying goodbye, and we really haven't spoken about it for 3 days.
He has only texted me, to say, he really thought he made the best decision and he "didn't really care that I had an issue with her driving him"
, "that I was being childish, and it was merely just a ride to the airport".
I am still very upset, and feel that he just dismissed me, and my feelings about this.
What do you think? Should an ex wife drive him to the airport? if he hasn't really spoken to her in the last year, only mildly, and she treats me like I don't exist.
STEVE'S ANSWER:"Never let a problem to be solved become more important than the person to be loved."
-- Barbara Johnson
I think there are several issues at play here, as you say Lisa.
I think you have a right to express your concerns re your partner's ex-wife driving him to the airport, as you have a right to feel properly heard by him rather than just dismissed.
But this feels like one of those situations that the 'how' is more important than the 'what'. That is, how you speak to your partner (and how he speaks back to you) and how secure you feel in this relationship, how 'together' is more important than focussing on what's actually happening: it's a drive to the airport!
So I don't think you're being childish here
- I think there are big issues at play, and so far you do not feel that you are being listened to. This is never a good place for anyone to live (be it man or woman).
My advice, and I hate giving advice, is to speak more about the bigger issues at play
, from the heart - and you know all about these issues - rather than the (easily dismissed by your partner) issue of him being driven to the airport.
Truth is, your 'solution' of paying for him to take a taxi merely avoids these issues being faced. So I reckon the ex-wife has done you a favour here - it's time to talk about what's really important here, what's really going on...